traveling swallowing dramamine

hello, potential employers

i checked my typepad visitor stats this afternoon. there were a few google blogsearch hits, per usual (i would love to know who you are, Person Googling Me On Blogsearch), and a few google hits for random phrases like "brown chicken brown cow." there was also a hit from someone googling my first and last name.

and i thought, oh crap.

i'm trying to move back to baton rouge full-time. i've decided that my current nola/BR schedule is not working for me. the back-and-forth thing is mind-numbing. my social obligations have doubled (two cities with friends and family to visit) while my time to fulfill them is halved (only three days in nola to see everyone, only four days in baton rouge). then there's the whole new relationship thing. i end up with virtually no time to myself - until i find myself sitting on the sofa at my mom's house or under the covers at my BR apartment, unwilling to answer the phone or do much of anything besides checking the same three websites over and over again or staring at the walls. at this point reading only makes me want to sleep. reading is something i used to do in my downtime - i more or less scheduled reading self-dates to highland around work/social stuff. lately i only read on my lunch breaks in new orleans or right before bed if i can keep my head up. this makes me unhappy. (also i've hated the past few books i read. i've got a good one now, though. i kind of want to bathe in robinson's prose. all the time.)

anyway, breton emailed me from paris on her newly-functioning laptop and asked for an update. i told her my reasons for wanting to live and work in baton rouge:

if i were in baton rouge full-time, i would
a) take more dance classes
b) read more
c) hopefully write a damn short story or something
d) study for the GRE
e) take the GRE
f) start researching grad schools
g) figure out spain
h) have a way more relaxed social life
i) not feel like i have to spend every spare second with my boyfriend because i'm always gone for half the week

in general i think it will be a vast improvement in my quality of life. i think i will be significantly more productive in terms of figuring out the next step. The Next Step. the way things are right now, i feel like a hamster in a wheel.

so on monday i sent out four resumes - three to the LSU library and one to LSU Press. the library was actually advertising for positions; LSU Press was just a cold call. i think i would really enjoy working at both places. i'm drawn to on-campus positions, both because the location is incredibly convenient and because working in an academic environment is vastly more appealing to me than working pretty much anywhere else. i've had a lifelong love affair with libraries, of course, though not so much with librarians. librarians did not seem to have a cool or interesting job. mostly they seemed to shelve books. i didn't understand the appeal until my senior year at lsmsa, when i did my civics research paper on censorship and learned about the ALA's manifesto-of-sorts advocating intellectual freedom. now librarians are pretty much my heroes. i don't think i would go to grad school for library science but libraries still make my heart swell a little bit. when i do grant prospecting for the BR city-parish, my favorite grants to send out are the library ones. of course, the EBRP library contact is the coolest of all the grant liaisons. she's the only one who ever writes back to let me know if they're following up and how their grant stuff is going.

anyway. and a job at LSU Press, though a long shot, would be awesome, since it would help me get a sense of how publishing works. i don't suppose i need to explain why learning about the publishing industry would appeal to an english major.

so. the google hit for my name reminded me of the whole employers-google-their-prospective-employees issue. at the moment, this blog is the first thing that comes up if you google me. this displeases me. it was not always the case, though. the main culprit is my facebook badge, which i removed this afternoon along with a mention of my full name in an october 2005 post.

here's the email i sent a few weeks ago to a facebook higher-up, regarding badges, upon receiving a dissatisfactory response on the same topic from a "customer service representative":

subject: because you seem like a smart guy and the responses i get from customer support often border on asinine

hi james,

forgive me for this random facebook message, but for the past few months, every time i shoot a question or suggestion to customer support, the responses i get totally miss the point.

here's my question, if you have time to answer it, or if you could direct me to someone who could give me a good response:

i like the fact that i can put my facebook badge on my blog. however, i also like my blog to be a little bit under the google radar. i noticed that i got a blog hit from someone googling my first and last name, and when i did a google search on myself i realized that it was picking up my name from the facebook badge.

so i took my name off the badge and figured that would keep google from finding me.

however, the badge image is entitled "ann g____'s facebook profile" - at least this is what pops up when you mouse over it. and that's what google is reading. now when you google my name, my blog is the first thing that pops up, with "ann g___'s facebook profile" (the badge image title) being the key words found in the search.

is there any way to get around this so that i can keep my badge on the blog without it making me so easy to find to google? it seems like the point of making your name a removable item on your facebook badge is so that you can modify the amount of personal information being posted in the badge. the fact that the badge title is automatically generated with your first and last name undermines this privacy setting.

here's what the customer support person said:

"Your name will only be picked up if you post your badge in a public place. If you do not want your name to come up in a google search, please resist from placing your badge in a
public site.  Your name will not be found on searches if you remain within facebook."

-- your name only comes up if you post your badge in a public place? well, isn't the badge meant to be posted in a public place? why give us the option of removing our name from the badge if it's going to be on there no matter what we do? is there any way facebook could change the way the badge titles are generated so they're not so explicit?

thanks,
ann

i never got a response back, which is not surprising. but i am pretty bummed about taking down my profile badge. it makes me uncomfortable that my blog is the first thing that comes up about me, though. i suppose of all the things that come up about me on google, this site is the most accurate representation, but still. it doesn't bug me that my current employers or coworkers can find it; they know i have it and that i've written silly things about them but i don't think they would be disturbed or shocked by any of the site content. and it doesn't bother me (too much) that my family can find it - even though i have written some sad or angry things about them - because i have written honestly about what i've thought or felt, and i always try to be fair in portraying them. basically it's nothing i wouldn't say to their faces if we were the sort of people that said things to each other's faces. but we're not. and a lot of what i write is because these conversations will never happen. even though i've tried. and it helps to put it down. so.

i guess what bothers me about this blog featuring so prominently in my google results is that it's personal. i don't totally spill my guts on here. there are some things i won't write about, and that's what my other journal is for. but honestly the other journal doesn't get much use unless i'm traveling. this site is the primary record of what goes on. and i suppose it doesn't bother me much if you google me and dig for a while and you find this website as hit #43. if you're so interested in me that you looked through four pages of mostly irrelevant google hits, then i don't really have a problem with you reading my blog. in fact i think you probably deserve to. i just don't think it should be so number-one-google-hit easy.

.

since monday i have felt tired and intensely antisocial. 'intensely' might me make sound more pathological than i actually feel. but relative to how i normally feel, at any rate, it's a strong inclination. i skipped ballet tuesday and blamed the weather. i don't remember what i did instead. oh, i wrote a 34k email to breton and then i sat on the sofa and stared at the walls for a while. then mom came home and i had an unsettling conversation with her about relationships (e.g., "well, i don't know, fran and i are just so accommodating of each other..."). marcia pointed out two weeks ago that maybe my mother is not the best barometer for me in terms of relationships. i hate the thought of not talking to her about how it's going and the challenge del dia - but the last few times i talked to her, i had this terrible sinking backsliding sensation, like maybe i am actually crazy and she's right. marcia said i would be better off talking to my girlfriends, and i told becca and (i think) breton that, because i knew they would love it, and they did. i guess i'll eventually figure out how to share this sort of stuff with my mom again.

post-mom talk, i worked on the graph for brett's scarf, which i somehow have not yet mustered up the patience/energy to finish. it's partly because i always lose momentum for the detail work - and i hate hand-stitching - and partly because i really don't know how i'm going to make it look good and i'll probably have to rip it a million times and that is so frustrating. but it's cold right now and i want him to wear it. it's a beautiful scarf. i'm really pleased with how it came out.

wednesday i sat on the sofa after work and watched two hours of top chef, then drove to baton rouge and the spanish moon for the f.weav/trrr acoustic show. mostly i wanted to stand by the wall and not talk to anyone. it was okay. i was really tired.

today i worked and slept a lot and missed ballet again. i blamed the weather and the tired. i've been good lately about going and it makes me so cranky when i'm out of class. next week will be better. if a miracle occurs i might take class saturday morning. but those classes are sort of hit-or-miss.

so i woke up from my two-and-a-half-hour nap and thought about the people i haven't talked to in too long. all i want to do is not talk to anyone. i brought my book to casa maria and read, then went to barnes and noble to look up spain stuff.

i suspect that my fatigue and disinterest in socializing is a direct result of or reaction against this weekend's burst of activity. i auditioned for a show at the little theatre. i didn't make it. here's what i wrote to breton about it:

i auditioned for a play in baton rouge.
'the pajama game' at the little theatre. it was choreographed by bob fosse, there's a really famous dance number in it, and the two female leads are altos.
i auditioned because it's time for me to start doing the things i like to do again. and it also means i would have to get a job in baton rouge for the semester...
so the audition was this past weekend and i had decided to do it because it would basically force me to look for jobs in baton rouge.
but i also knew that for the first few weeks of rehearsal i'd still be working half the week in new orleans and i'd have to drive in every night.
on audition forms for musicals, they ask you if you're willing to play any role, including chorus, or if you will only play certain parts.
i think it's poor form to say you'll only play a certain part, because it looks like you don't have team spirit and that you don't love theatre for the sake of theatre.
however, given my schedule, it wasn't worth it to me to drive in to baton rouge every night for a chorus role.
so i put (for the first time ever) that i'd only take the two female leads.

for the first time since my first musical audition in 8th grade, i didn't make the show.

i was sad for a day even though i decided beforehand that it would be good either way.

and it was, because i'd done all this work to find jobs in baton rouge and it was clear to me that making the move back was what i wanted to do.

so i wrote four cover letters (three to the LSU library and one cold call to LSU press) and sent them off with my resumes yesterday.
i told brett in the car yesterday morning, on the drive back to BR, that for a while i've been worried, or wondering, about how i think i'm an ambitious or driven person but i'm also scared a lot, and how much is that going to hold me back. and now i know that the ambitious part is ultimately more powerful than the scared. because i'm ready for a change.
i always said i wasn't ready yet but i would be eventually. but i didn't know if i really believed it.
today i told lynne i was looking for work in baton rouge and tomorrow we're going to figure out how to transition me out of this job.

so now that i feel settled in my desire and decision to move to baton rouge, the other pieces are falling into place. i have a timeframe, short-term goals, long-term goals, and a plan of action. i start to think too hard into the details of things (what if i hate spain; how will i ever leave the people here that i love; will my parents buy my car to give to michael when he starts college and i need to get that passenger-side dent repaired; grad school, holy christ, how will i ever scrounge up a decent enough portfolio to send to a grad school) and my chest seizes up but then i back off it. if i keep looking at the big picture, which is broad and blurry but there, i feel better.

at the same time this was such a huge step to take - professionally it's kind of a risk, if i can't find a not-shitty job, and also pretty much any job i'll find will involve an annual paycut of 2 or 3K - but mostly it's a big step forward for my head. i think it wore me out a little. and i'm also anxious about the letters i sent out and whether or not i'll hear back from anyone. but that's okay. i have confidence that i'm doing the right thing and moving in a good direction. forward is good.

breton wrote back:

...i sat down to my WORKING computer and there was a 34 k email from
you.

life is very good, in other words.
and i am so fucking proud of you, Ann!
i was starting to get worried... like really worried.
but there you are again.
i see you!
to hear about everything that you have done in the last week was good for my
soul.

i was concerned about sending you that link [about spain] because i didn't want you to
feel like i was pushing you. cause i feel like maybe everyone is pushing you
around... i don't know.
it's hard being the best friend when you feel like your best friend is lost.
and when being there physically is impossible because there is an ocean
between you.
and being there in support is impossible because of a 7 hour time distance,
a broken computer and a crazy work schedule.

but all of a sudden!
you're motivated and driven and ANN again!!!!!!
you're found!
i am so proud of you for auditioning for that piece and not taking a chorus
position that would stress you out.
i am so proud of you for realizing that driving to new orleans is making you
crazy and unproductive and stressed out and so now you are applying for real
jobs and you are getting everything together so that you can move on.
and this is what i was worried about the whole time.
i think that you are the most talented, incredible person that i know.
and i think that you are the biggest most beautiful goldfish in the dankest
most boring swamp.
and that you could swim better almost anywhere.
but i was worried that maybe you needed to be in the swamp always.
after all, the catfish and the alligators would never have the opportunity
to meet a fish like you other wise.

but i am so glad that you are motivated again.
about something.
about grad school.
about dance.
about spain.

and chris is back with the pastries so i have to go.

lovelovelove.

b

p.s. sorry about the fish analogy. got carried away. too many children's
books lately.

the spain thing is funny. funny is about the least accurate word i can think of to describe how i feel about it, but i don't feel like trying to find a better one. i want to live abroad for a while because i know it would be amazing and also the hardest thing i will ever have done in my entire life. i think doing hard things is good for me. i didn't apply to grad school straight out of undergrad because i was scared of not being in school and i didn't have any confidence in my ability to get a job of any sort, much less a real grown-up job in my field. i thought it was important to confront these things rather than hide away in academia. i miss school so much but i've always known i would go back and now i also know that i can be a real person with a real job. the spain thing is similar. it has a lot to do with fear and the difficulty i have imagining myself achieving any sort of major goal - it seems impossible. i have very little confidence in myself. it's weird - i have confidence that i can survive in spain but not that i can do the things i have to do to get there. it's the same with grad school. i know i will love grad school but i literally can't imagine picking one and having a good portfolio and getting in.

anyway, i think spain will give me a lot of confidence. and i know i'm a smart girl. and i don't think breton is kidding or being insincerely flattering when she says she thinks i'm talented and amazing. i think i'm pretty talented and amazing too. i just...i don't know, i guess i half-think it and half-doubt my every ability. i believe that if i had any sort of confidence i'd be unstoppable. (if.)

so i've been talking about moving to spain for two and a half years now, and though i have tried to explain it to them, few of my friends or family members understand why i want to go and/or why i haven't gone yet. breton is the only one, i think, who has any faith in my going, and even that seemed to have faded by the time she came back for christmas. it bothers the shit out of me that no one believes i'm going. it pisses me off in that stomachache way but it only makes me more stubborn, i suppose. not that i have to prove anything to them. but i sort of do. last night at the moon, i was talking to josh and ravi about applying for jobs in baton rouge and how it will free up time for me to take the GRE and work on grad school stuff. i deliberately didn't mention spain, but they both said, "so no spain then, huh" in this way that sounded like i was only confirming what they already thought, that i wasn't really ever going. and i told them that actually breton had sent me a link to the government grant program for teaching assistants in spain. the application for next year isn't up yet but i have a sense of the schedule and the requirements and it dovetails nicely with what i already had planned. so.

i went to barnes and noble to look up the regions for TA positions in the spain program. you get to pick your top three. i ended up buying a book (which i've already read parts of, in past research attempts) on living abroad in spain. i also browsed the (ever-addictive) writing reference section, which is next to all the journals, and there was a little black moleskin address book with the alphabet stamped into the cover, like this:

A B C D E F G
H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T
U V W X Y Z

except it's formatted so it's a nice square. i liked the look of it, and i was thinking about breton's old ridiculous leopard-print address book and how when you travel a lot and can't always have your cellphone or internet access, it's probably good to have an address book. and i'm a firm believer in backing up cellphonebooks anyway. i hate the way i rely on the phonebook instead of memorizing important phone numbers. i don't think it's safe. blah blah blah, basically i'm justifying an impulse buy, but the impulse was related to wanting to travel and imagining myself leaving, so i think it's a good thing.

so i picked up the little notebook and was rubbing dust off the cover and i could feel that the price sticker on the back was rolling up at the corners. i flipped the notebook over and the sticker said ADD BK SOFT COVER BL $5.95 and it also said 07655227999 and it also said Made in Spain.

spain essay: final draft

note: my last spanish class was SPAN 2155, spring 2002.
if you can read this and make corrections, by all means, go ahead.

===

8. Three copies of a 300-400 word personal statement, in Spanish, outlining the applicant's objectives in relation to the program as well as what the applicant feels he/she can contribute to the program.

Draft 1.1

La primera vez que estudiaba estudié en el extranjero, fui a Londres porque tuvo miedo de yendo en tenía miedo de ir a un sitio donde no hablaba la lengua. Me encantan las ciudades grandes, y Londres es una ciudad magnífica con muchas actividades – pero me pareció tan muy familiar. En cada esquina había el mismo café Starbucks que tenemos en los Estados Unidos. Mi experiencia en Londres me di el deseo mas grande por viajando acentuó mi deseo de seguir viajando, pero ansié quería la experiencia de una cultura distinta de a la mía. El próximo verano siguiente estudié en Praga. No hablaba una palabra de checo. Asistí a un curso intensivo en la lengua para que podría por lo menos poder decir «por favor» y «gracias» y «¿dónde está el jardín mas cercano?» En Praga comí mucho estofado y me enamoré de la arquitectura mezclada mixta. Hallé un café pequeño cerca de la universidad en el que podría podía hacer mi tarea. No se parecía el al café Starbucks.

Me gusta viajar a una lugar completamente desconocido y aprender a hacerme siento estar como en casa. Por esta rázon razón estoy interesada en la el programa. Me gusta que es una program extendida el programa es extesivo. Desde que terminé los estudios de bachillerato, mi meta ha sido vivir en España. Elegí España porque quiero pasar tiempo en una lugar donde puedo aprender la lengua mejorar mi aprendidizaje de la lengua, y ya que tengo unos buenos conocimientos de las fundamentales del español. Mi meta a largo plazo es hacer un curso de postgrado en la universidad, y este programa también me daré dará la oportunidad adquirir más experiencia en la enseñaza y fortalecer mi aplicación. Pero antes de qu devuelva a escuela volver a la universidad, quiero hacer una aventura – y creo que la immersión en una cultura diferente es una gran aventura grande. Tengo un sueño de estudiando la Siempre he soñada estudiar danza en España. He estudiado danza desde que tenía cuatro años y me gustaría continuar mis estudios en España – ambos en el ballet y en las danzas tradicionales. Creo que sería una forma buena de aprender más de la cultura y también hacerme siento sentir como en casa.

Traeré a la Ofrezco al programa mi entusiasmo por la gramática inglesa, mi atención a los detalles, y el deseo de ayudar a los otros a aprender mi idioma. Otros profesores me ha han dicho que tengo un truco para sabiendo conocer los fuerzos los punto fuertes y las necesidades individuales de mis estudiantes. Creo que esta habilidad me permito permite ayudar a los estudiantes a comprender las lecciones. Es un gran momento grande cuando vea veo el la comprensión en la cara del estudiante. Es vigorizante por un momento muy especial para la profesora y el estudiante.

Final Draft (draft 2.2ish)

Desde que terminé los estudios de bachillerato, mi meta ha sido vivir en España – no sólo un viaje rápido, sino tiempo bastante para conocer bien a una ciudad. Lo que me gusta sobre el viajar es ir a un lugar completamente desconocido y aprender estar como en casa. El programa me daría tal oportunidad por una estancia extensiva en España.

Mi meta a largo plazo es hacer un curso de postgrado; el programa en España también me dará la oportunidad de conseguir más experiencia como profesora, la cual me preparará para mis funciones como una asistente graduada. Pero antes de volver a la universidad, quiero hacer una aventura – y creo que la inmersión en una cultura diferente es una gran aventura. Deseo vivir en una ciudad donde puedo estudiar danza. He estudiado danza desde que tenía cuatro años y me gustaría continuar mis estudios en España – ambos en el ballet y en las danzas tradicionales. Creo que sería una forma buena de aprender más sobre la cultura y además hacerme sentir como en casa.

Mis objetivos para el programa, entonces, son mejorar mi aprendizaje de la lengua española y conocer a la cultura españalo – y compartir con mis estudiantes y amigos mi propia lengua y cultura como ciudadana de los Estado Unidos y nativa de Nueva Orleáns.

Le ofrezco al programa mi entusiasmo por la gramática inglesa, mi atención a los detalles, y el deseo de ayudar a otros a aprender mi idioma. Además estoy orgullosa del patrimonio rico de Luisiana y me disfrutaría compartir nuestra música, comida, y tradiciones excéntricas con los estudiantes. Con respecto a mi experiencia como profesora, otros profesores me han dicho que tengo la habilidad de reconocer los puntos fuertes y las necesidades individuales de mis estudiantes. Creo que este instinto me permite ayudar a los estudiantes a comprender las lecciones cuando acaba de aprender algo dificil. Me encanta ver la comprensión en la cara del estudiante. Es un momento emocionante para los dos.

edits and suggestions courtesy of: begoña, dominic, breton, brett, jeanne, and my cousin corey. yay for readers, and encouragement.

how to be lonely: a preparation

i am drunk off of white wine
which i never drink
i bought it from calandro's for six dollars and ninety-nine cents to cook with
i needed 'dry white whine'
i know next to nothing about wine, and
really nothing about white wine because i always drink red
so i didn't know how to pick a dry white wine
besides avoid the ones that say anything about fruit on the label.
i picked a 2005 chardonnay that is named oxford something
and yes it was dry as hell
i was proud of myself
then i made asparagus risotto
(in case you haven't noticed, i've been posting articles and recipes here)
the batteries weren't charged for my digital camera (from dad, from christmas three years ago, and i don't know if it's any good really) but i was going to take pictures for you
because holy shit i cooked something.
the past few times i've cooked things, i've put on c
hang on, i have to pour another glass (baby glass) of wine
by the way, the advice to put on a pot of water to boil as soon as you get home is very sage advice indeed
so i've decided to semi-count calories and exercise five times a week in an effort to not feel disgusted with myself
being that i'm 23 and there is no good reason not to be in excellent shape
simultaneously i made out a budget so that i could have $10,000 in savings when i leave for spain
incidentally, it is difficult to eat healthfully and also not spend money
but we knew that already
to get the ingredients i needed, i went to calandro's and also whole foods (c's didn't have asparagus but they did have a lot of other nice produce, including spaghetti squash!)
whole foods makes my face feel paralyzed
everyone looks so happy and everyone smiles at each other
black people smile at white people
and do you know why
because everyone is happy that they can afford to shop at whole foods
i cannot, so i bought a few things and left feeling frustrated
i've been needing to cut back on my spending for a while but i was making so much with the grant writing that it didn't feel necessary
but my new job really was a 3,000 paycut
so now i'm on a tight budget while having over $8,000 in savings
it's a strange feeling
and i've spent over a hundred dollars in the past three days buying things for the kitchen (two mixing bowls of different sizes; a 3-cup food processor; a cheese grater) and food for the kitchen. because in the long run i know it will save money and be healthy. but all the damn upfront money. it's hard to part with.
what i was saying was that when i've cooked the past few times, i put on classical music or rebirth.
today i played benny goodman from my laptop and then the nightcrawlers "live from old point bar" and i think it seriously helps my cooking. i don't really, but i like to think it, and it's the only time i can listen to music like this, when i sort of need to concentrate on something else. it's like sewing music. i can listen to it on repeat because i'm not paying attention but also i am. and music from home makes me dance while i'm cooking. alone.
also the wine helps.
my uncle 'sings' a lot with the nightcrawlers - which is more like speak-singing, and in track nine ("tchfunta/on that day") he does a bunch of "come on" and "yeah" and it's so good and i am so proud. i love the way he talks because it is how my family talks, and on the CD i can hear it both like a foreign tongue (i like to think how people from not-new orleans hear his accent as strange and exotic) and also like home.
my risotto has excellent, full-bodied flavor - onion and white wine and chicken broth and parmesian - how the hell do you spell that - parmesan, okay. rich but of flavor, not of death-to-your-intestines.
the texture is kind of screwy - you have to add the chicken broth (it was supposed to be stock, oops) - slowly and then save a little before you add the raw asparagus - so my rice was a little undercooked and the asparagus should have been more tender (instead of basically totally raw) - but still. damn. i cooked something. and it tasted good.
i could do this: listen to home music and learn how to cook
spend an evening by myself drinking the leftover wine
dancing down the counter
i could do this anywhere.

hey breton i love you.

well. so.

so the spain stuff.

so the applications were originally due on april 16th, and we were supposed to hear back may 1st. then they pushed the deadline to may 11th. i emailed one of the administrator guys and asked if it would make a difference in our placement if we sent our applications for the first deadline. he said no. but then they posted on the website that people who sent their applications by april 16th would hear by may 1st, and people who sent their applications by may 11th would hear two weeks after the deadline. there's 1000 positions, some of which will be taken by TAs who are finishing their first year of the program (you can do it for two years). it's something like 300 positions in madrid; 300 in andalucia; and 400 all other participating regions. (my placement preference: madrid; andalucia; asturias.) anyway, i was worried about the whole "if you sent in your application for the first deadline you'll hear back first" thing, because it seemed like the early applicants would indeed get dibs on placement.

i sent my application on may 8th, three days before the final deadline, and figured i would hear by june 1st. they're supposed to email you and then you have 10 days to tell them yes or no.

but it's may 31st and i haven't heard anything and it's getting harder to fall asleep. i haven't even delved into the possibility of what i would do if i didn't get the position. either way, if i do or don't, i think i will be terrified when i find out.

when i got to work thirty minutes ago, i still didn't have an email from them. so i went to the website. here's what it says.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION
North American Language and Culture Assistants 2007-2008
Applications received between April 16 and May 11th (that's me)

Attention all applicants to the North American Language and Culture Assistants in Spain 2007-2008 program who submitted their application after April 16th. Due to the large amount of last-minute applications we have received we are unable to release a complete list of selected candidates at this time. Here you will find a preliminary list of candidates that have been selected to the program, though the final and complete list with the assigned Autonomous Community will be released on this website after June 9^th, 2007.

and here's the list.

note "preliminary." note "there's only 260 people on that list." i feel sort of like i'm back at louisiana school and some idiot is telling me "oh, i thought you were an alternate" because i am an arts focus - and not only am i not an alternate but i have the second highest PSAT score in the class.

it's sort of ridiculous how validating this feels.
and also when i saw my name i doubled over in terror and nausea.

un chien andalusia

email to program admins in Andalucía / Friday, 1:27am

Subject: Re: Auxiliares de conversación

Saludos,

Recibí notificación que seré un auxiliar de conversación en Andalucía por el programa de MEC. Estuve entusiasmado a ver mi nombre en la lista para Andalucía; mis amigos me dicen que la región es la parte más linda de España.

Sin embargo, estoy preocupada sobre mi colocación individual. He sido una estudiante ardiente del ballet por diecinueve años. Sé que Andalucía es una región grande y diversa, y me da miedo que si sea colocado en un lugar rural, no podría encontrar una escuela del ballet.

Escribí en mi solicitud que me gustaría estudiar las danzas tradicionales de España, y además continuar mis estudios en el ballet clásica. Creo que Andalucía es el lugar perfecto para estos estudios. Pero dejar mis clases del ballet por la duración del programa está impensable. Mi cuerpo estaría tan triste.

Si sea colocado en un lugar sin una escuela del ballet, ¿sería posible cambiar a otra locación dentro de la región? Si un auxiliar en otro lugar decline el trabajo, ¿podría sustituirle?

Muchas gracias por su paciencia,
Ann G____   

---

email from program admins in Andalucía / Friday, 6:51am

Subject: Re: Auxiliares de conversación

Hola, Ann:

El centro que te hemos asignado es el siguiente:

CEIP Dolores Romero Pozo
Cenes de la Vega (Granada)

No tendrás ningún problema para continuar con tus estudios de ballet, pues Cenes de la Vega es un pueblo que está a solo 5 kms de Granada capital.

Espero tu confirmación de que aceptas el puesto.

Un saludo.

---

email to program admins in Andalucía / Friday, 8:45am

Subject: Re: Auxiliares de conversación

Muchísimas gracias por tu respuesta – ¡qué alivio! Tengo ganas de participar en el programa.

--Ann

---

email to lynne and eric / friday, 9:10am

subject: duuuude

LALALALA going to granada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they mailed out our notification letters monday (from spain!!) and everyone is so antsy...and everyone's talking about swapping locations...last night i spent *three hours* writing a short email in spanish (!!! my spanish is so bad) to the people in andalucia, saying that i was worried about being placed in a location without a ballet school...and they actually wrote back, which is a miracle and a relief, and they said i was placed in a school in cenes de la vega, which is 5km from granada, and i should have no problem finding a dance studio.

YAY SPAIN

<3

five minutes of all is right in the world

i just ran from my apartment to the library in dark clouds and thick wind, a green sundress and penny loafers. this morning i thought i lost my favorite brown sweater, but they had it at highland. i don't remember leaving it; i virtually always remember where i put things, and it made me feel like i was drunk last night, that i have no recollection of leaving my sweater at highland.

mom called me last night at 10:30, which is crazy, and she had just gotten home from baton rouge. she'd been waiting all day for her bill to go up in the legislature. but it didn't. and we chatted about stuff, and i mentioned that i'd gotten a notice from the women's clinic saying i owed a balance of 22 dollars on the second installment of my HPV vaccine. i don't generally ask her for extra money. lately i've been asking for gas money if i drive long distances with/for michael, because my current gas budget is 2 tanks per month. but other than that i don't ask for extra help. my budget is so tight right now, though, that there's not even room for the 22 dollar vaccine balance. i don't feel too guilty asking for help when it comes to health-related stuff. and it's just 22 dollars.

but when i asked her, she hesitated. and told me that money was really tight, all of a sudden, because dad stopped sending a check every month for child support (michael just turned 18 and graduated from high school). but she could give me 22 dollars, yes, she could do that.

and i'm thinking, jesus, she's reluctant to give me twenty bucks for a vaccine? what about the other stuff she'd offered last month to pay for?

-- electric piano repair (circa 1995; middle C is messed up; michael will use in college)
-- digital camera (going-away present for spain)
-- buy my car (for michael to use in college)

so after we hang up, i'm considering my options. i can get an estimate on the piano and forgo the repairs if it's going to be unreasonably expensive. for the past month or so, i've been working odd jobs (sewing, line edits, scanning stuff for dad, selling clothes, video editing job lined up at a local nonprofit), the earnings of which i've saved first for my trip to chicago in july, and now with an eye towards new dance clothes. but instead of dance clothes, i could use that money to buy the digital camera myself. or i can buy it now with my current savings and pay myself back with some of the money from the car.

the car. this is the kicker. i am budgeting my income so that i'll have $10,000 in savings when i leave. according to the kelly bluebook, my 1999 corolla (CE) with 103,000 miles on it is worth $4740 in good condition.

the money from my car will go towards:
1) paying off my car note ($440 by september)
2)  buying my plane ticket (between $400 - 800 depending on if i buy a return ticket for christmas or just get it one way)
3) more savings.

my plan is to be financially independent when i leave for spain.

right now, my mom pays:
-- car insurance (about $100 / mo)
-- health insurance ($100 / mo and superfluous since i also have it through work!)
-- cell phone ($60 / mo)
-- low-limit credit card ($350 / mo).

when i leave, she can take me off the car insurance and credit card for sure. she can take me off the cell phone plan, too, but i want to review the policies to see how i can keep my number for when i return (breton, what did you do with your phone?). and she can also stop paying for my health insurance (she can stop immediately!) but she's reluctant to do it, because even though i'll have health insurance with my job in spain, she doesn't seem to think it will be good enough.

i should have enough in savings to cover anything my monthly income (631 euro, or $845 at the current rate) doesn't - and still have enough left over to be okay when i come home. but the money from the car is important. that's my real cushion. i need to get as much money out of that sale as i can, so that when i come home from spain i can get on my feet.

coincidentally, my brother will need a car when he starts LSU. you can live in baton rouge without a car, but it's far from ideal. i lasted till october of my freshman year - i ended up getting my mom's 1994 corolla so that i could drive myself to dance class at the studio on bluebonnet, twenty minutes from campus. (for the first two months of school, my boyfriend drove me to dance class. there wasn't enough time for him to drop me off and go back to the dorm, so he would sit in the parking lot for 1.5 hours and read or nap. he never complained. his selflessness was astonishing. finally we went to visit my mom and i told her what he'd been doing and i was like, "it's ridiculous. i need a car.")

as brett pointed out, it's customary for family members to sell their cars to relatives on the very cheap. so i'm sitting here, looking at the blue book value of my car, and knowing that my brother needs this car, and that my mom offered to buy it, and that she apparently has very little money - so little that she might not be able to buy the car for any price, cheap or not. and also that i need all the money i can get, so i can be in a position where i don't have to ask my parents for help. and simultaneously feeling like i'll be a bad, selfish, ungrateful daughter to ask for more than, like, $2000.

and i'm thinking maybe michael and i can ask dad for help, maybe dad will buy the car. or maybe michael can take out a loan from dad. or he could take out a loan from the bank and dad could co-sign on it.

but michael would have to start working now - and he'd have to take the room & board scholarship option, and work not only on-campus but off-campus as well, waiting tables or something equally lucrative. we talked briefly on google chat - i told him the latest with the car stuff, and told him my ideas for how we can make this work. he said he'd followed up on a couple of the craigslist job posts i'd sent - reginelli's and landry's in lakeview. the lakefront is a five-minute drive or very reasonable bike ride away, although the thought of michael on a bike on veterans boulevard makes me want to vomit. but still, restaurant jobs for the summer - this is good.

then i called my mom for lunch (she said she would be in baton rouge again) and she was still in new orleans and apologized for not having let me know. i wanted to bring up the money situation but couldn't manage to do it. then she called again while i was finishing my lunch and said she'd talked to michael about the car stuff (i guess he brought it up after we'd talked about it) and that she'd thought i was asking $2000 for it, but if it was $4000, she couldn't afford it. and i said yeah, i know. and i said the thing is, michael needs a car. he's not going to have to take out student loans for school, so maybe he could take out a loan for the car.

she said she didn't think he could take out a loan.
i said, you could co-sign on it.
she said, i don't know if they do that.
i said, i'm pretty positive they do.
she said, i don't know if i could even take out a loan right now.
she said, he'll have to work and save up money to buy a car.
i said, "the thing is, he needs the car to get the job to make the money to buy the car. you know?"

she sighed yes. we talked frankly about finances, what she was paying for me, what she could get rid of when i left. i asked her if it was going to help much and she said "are you kidding? it will help a lot." and that made me feel good. i told her i was willing to sell the car for less than it was worth, but not much less, because i needed that money so that i could quit asking her for help in the long run. she said of course. she said i needed as much money from the car as i could get. i actually choked up when she said this. i said, "it is such a relief that you understand about the car thing." she said of course she understood, that when family members give their cars away it's because they don't really need the money - but when you need the money, it only makes sense to make as much as you can. i told her hearing that made me want to cry. because i'd felt like i was selfish for even asking for money. and she said, "oh my god, i'm sorry you ever thought that. we should have talked about this sooner." and i told her about all the extra work i'd been doing, and she said she was proud of me.

and she said, you know what, i think we can make this car thing work.
i brought up the other expenses we'd talked about last month: the piano repair and the camera.
i told her i was waiting for the price to drop some more on the camera i wanted, and that i was hoping to get an estimate on the piano this week.
and she said she wanted to hear the estimate on the piano (she asked if i was taking it to spain with me - !!!! - i was like, yeah, mom, i'm going to wheel it around on a rolly cart while i'm looking for housing in granada. and also, seriously, that michael would really like to have it while he was at LSU.)
and she said she wanted to buy the camera as my going-away present.
i said, i can split it with you if you want.
and she said, no, you know, i really want to buy it. i want to do something for your going away.
and i said, well, that would be the perfect present.

not only was it a huge relief to end this conversation feeling like michael's and my needs will be met with effort on all our parts - but it was also nice just to talk calmly and seriously about practical things with my mom. she usually tries to keep this stuff a secret from us so  we don't 'worry' about money - but then we can tell money is tight and she is obviously stressed out and acts kind of passive-aggressive about it, like it's our fault for not knowing what she didn't tell us and for being expensive. it's so much better to have it out in the open. then we can actually do something about it.

buy this car to drive to work, drive to work to pay for this car.

in other news, i found a craigslist post requesting short stories about one's first menstrual period. this is the first creative writing post i've ever had a stomach feeling about - not counting my first round of craigslist queries and the play adaptation that ended up being urban erotica. i emailed the lady and she said she's based out of boston, trying to compile a collection of first period stories because she thinks it's interesting, she works as a technical writer, and she has friends in the industry who could help her get it published. she said her own story was well underway: "Think sharing one hotel room, on vacation with my entire family, including a very loud, overly proud-of-an-emabarassing-event mother." and she said she was looking forward to reading my story.

i don't know. like i said, i have a stomach feeling for this. there are some stand-out moments i can think of (i'm sure that's true for everyone) but i don't know if i could make it an interesting narrative. but it's worth a shot, i guess. i'm half-inclined to post a draft on this journal, but i worry about grossing ya'll out. what do you think? if i tell you mine, will you tell me yours? maybe you can even send in your own versions. she says she'll pay $500 for each story if the book gets published.

and

from How I Grew, sort-of sequel to Memories of a Catholic Girlhood, by Mary McCarthy:

The power of choice I held affected me as an urgency, forcing me to take out a book before I was fully prepared, hurrying me to make up my mind as though behind me there were a crowd of other borrowers. Summoning resolution, I picked a book from the shelves and advanced to the counter. It was The Nigger of the Narcissus. The librarian looked at me; I looked back at her. She took my card and tucked another one, stamped, in a flap at the back of the volume. I had the impression that she might say something, but she let me walk away. In my mind was only the vaguest notion of who Joseph Conrad was or had been.

two cents

and i feel like i must be going through a belligerent phase
maybe i'll swing back to the middle where i can be tactful and also assertive
but it's hard for me to stifle my inner editor and it's hard for me not to say exactly what i think
exactly
lied to at every turn
maybe i'm tired of playing defense.

in other news,
walking to work this morning, i contemplated what kind of clothes i would wear when i taught elementary school students in spain. this question has been posed on the NALCA boards and the experienced auxiliares say the dress is very casual, i.e., tank tops, flip flops, jeans. i don't know about all that, but you know me, i'm sure i'll be in jeans and converse no matter what, since that has been my personal dress code at both of my 'real-world' jobs.

so then i was thinking about my plaid button-down shirts, and if the weather is as temperate in granada as it seems, i'd probably wear those a lot. and what if the kids thought i dressed like a cowgirl or something?

and i remembered: writing a report on korea, sixth grade, a project with claudia t___, who was in fact half-korean. sometimes her mom packed korean grapes with claudia's lunch. the grapes had pits and thick dark inedible skin which was easily split; underneath, the pulp of it tasted like wine. i did my research on korea using the set of encyclopedias my mother bought in 1992. the article explained that in modern-day korea, the people dressed in "western" clothes. i had no sense of a global culture divided into east and west and assumed that korean people dressed like cowboys. this assumption was reinforced by the accompanying picture of modern korean people in a street scene, which must have been taken circa 1975, as the subjects of the photograph were all wearing western-style shirts, fringed vests, flared jeans.

how [not] to apply for a visa

i mailed off my visa application to the new orleans spanish consulate on july 2. before sending it, i had emailed the consulate to verify that the text of my doctor's letter, which was approved for my application to the NALCA program, was sufficient for my student visa. i did not receive a response to my email, so i went ahead with the visa application. new orleans is the only consulate that accepts mailed visa applications; we were instructed not to use USPS but an alternate postal carrier (e.g., FedEx, UPS). UPS was cheaper than FedEx by about 15 dollars to send one-way; however, we were instructed to include a SASE with our application so they could mail the visa back to us, and that had to be non-USPS as well. the only SASE from UPS i could use was 18 bucks. i decided to send it UPS without the SASE, figuring i could just go pick it up from the visa office when it was done.

but then i got nervous about it. i decided to call the consulate and make sure.

[posted on NALCA 07-08 facebook group, 7/24]

7/20, 3:15pm
ann: hi, i’m calling to check the status of my visa.
nola consulate: i'm sorry, that department is closed. you'll have to call back on monday.

7/23, 2:45pm
A: hi, i’m calling to check the status of my visa.
NC: the visa department is open from 9 to 1.

7/24, 12:30pm
A: hi, i’m calling to check the status of my visa.
crazy woman at NC: ABSOLUTELY NOT. you have to wait until we contact you. i am NOT going to do that.
A: that's fine. what i was really wondering was if it was okay to pick my visa up in person if i mailed it in, because i didn't include a stamped envelope with my application.
crazy woman: i ABSOLUTELY cannot give you this information. you have to WAIT UNTIL WE CONTACT YOU.
A: (so taken aback that she’s started to laugh) you can't even tell me whether or not it's okay for people in general to walk in and pick up their visas?
crazy woman: i ABSOLUTELY cannot -
A: ::hanging up the phone::

the facebook response was mostly "haha" and "just wait till you get to spain." a couple kids who are also dealing with the nola consulate (4 or 5 of us on facebook) have emailed me to commiserate. this one girl mary, who is from shreveport (louisiana represent!), emailed me to say she was glad to see someone else dealing with the nola consulate and that she was anxious about getting her passport back. i said "yay another louisianan" and wondered to myself why this poor girl didn't have her passport.

somewhere in the middle i emailed the consulate again to see if they could give me any information on my visa status - or even if they could just tell me they actually received my application. no response.

then today i get an email from lisa s___, who is from knoxville (and therefore under the jurisdiction of the new orleans consulate) and will be in granada capital with me.

lisa / 9:46pm August 22nd

hey Ann. Any news on the visa yet? I'm starting to get really antsy but I feel helpless. Next week will have been 8 weeks since I applied. I'm probably going to start harrassing them soon. What's your game plan?

 

ann / Today at 8:26am

hmmm it will be 8 weeks for me next week as well (happy 8-week-iversary!) i haven't felt entitled to call and be like yo, what's up with my visa since i got yelled at last time and so far it's technically before the visa 'should' be ready - but after 2 months...i'd say all bets are off. you know how there's 2 numbers for the consulate? i called the second one and that's who yelled at me. i guess i'll call the first one this time...not that it will necessarily make a difference...keep me posted...suerte...

 

ann / Today at 11:04am

oh, fuck me, i just saw your reply on the granada board about having to resend your med certificate. I WISH THEY WOULD RESPOND. i don't even know if they *got* my stupid visa application.

lisa / Today at 11:08am

haha don't fret. I'm sure they would've contacted you if there was a problem. I have a friend who also applied to the nola consulate about 7 weeks ago and has not heard anything either. I have a feeling they're doing all of ours at the same rate. Anyway I'm gonna call them next week, and my new plan is to contact the Office of Education in New Orleans if they won't give me any info. So we'll see how it goes. I just want my freaking passport back!

here's the part where i put two and two together and come up with:

ann / Today at 11:09am
...you had to actually send your physical passport?
......
........

lisa / Today at 11:10am

..yes..

 

ann /Today at 11:11am

FUCKKKKKK

 

ann /Today at 11:13am

GAHHHH how could they not fucking call me if the application wasn't actually complete? i'm going to have to go kill someone.

 

lisa / Today at 11:14am

yeah that is ridiculous. they are not on top of their shit. they need the passport because they stamp the visa on one of its pages. at least you're nearby. If I were you, I'd make an appointment or if you can't do that, just stop by.

 

ann / Today at 12:29pm
ok so i called (the first number!) and talked to a relatively nice lady who made fun of me but also made it sound like this was not a big deal. they sent my shit off to get approved, which it hasn't yet - i guess if they couldn't even send it off they would have told me - so she said they will contact me when it's approved, and i will make an appt to get my visa, and i will bring my passport and then i will get my visa. i offered to bring it to the consulate on monday (going in town anyway) and she was like, don't do that. i swear, these people are more antisocial than the wackos i work with at [the place i work].

here's (more or less) how that phone call went:

ann: (already in catastrophizing mode, envisioning a conversation that begins with "hi, can you help me with my visa - " "ABSOLUTELY NOT." meanwhile dialing the wrong number. then dialing the right number.)

nola consulate woman: [something barely audible in spanish]

ann: hi, i made a mistake in my visa application. can you help me?

nola: who told you that?

ann: i figured it out just now. i sent in a copy of my passport instead of my actual passport.

nola: well, why did you do that?

ann: ...because i didn't know. (feeling whiny) and i emailed the consulate twice to ask a question and no one ever responded -

nola: oh come on. we don't have time for that.

ann: - and i called once and i got yelled at.

nola: i think you are exaggerating. you haven't told me your name yet.

ann: it's ann g_______.

nola: ann?

ann: yes ma'am.

nola: spell your last name?

ann: G - L - A...

nola: (incredulous and accusatory - or maybe this is a normal tone of voice for people who work at the spanish consulate) D as in DAVID??

ann: no. G as in.....gorilla.

nola: (laughing) ok. what is the reason for your call?

ann: um....because i didn't send in my passport with my visa application.

nola: what is your visa for?

ann: i'm applying to the north american lang -

nola: i know you applied to the program. what are you going to be doing?

ann: ....teaching english.

nola: ok. you have to wait until your visa is approved, and it is not approved yet. but when it is approved, i will contact you, and then you will come and make a personal appointment, and you will bring your passport, and then you will get your visa. okay?

ann: so it doesn't matter if you don't have it yet? it's not going to hold up the application?

nola: you could also mail it in and include a pre-paid envelope from UPS or FedEx or a service like that.

ann: could i just bring the passport to the consulate on monday?

nola: no, don't do that.

anyway. all in all, i think i'll be okay, unless this lady totally has no idea what she's talking about. the fact that they seem to have processed my visa and it's currently pending approval implies that the not-my-actual-passport thing is not such a big deal. but the woman also said, "it must have been a notarized copy," which it wasn't. i don't know.

also her tone of voice was totally schizophrenic. it was in turns kindly, bemused, arch, mock-incredulous - sometimes all at once. so is this what it's going to be like? not only will i struggle to understand the language of the spanish bureaucrats - i will also struggle to interpret their tone of voice? is she making fun of me? is she laughing with me or at me? or near me? is it that offensive for my last name to hypothetically begin with a D? why do i have to tell her why i called when i told her why i called when we first got on the phone? if she knows i'm doing the NALCA program, why do i have to tell her what the visa is for? it's all so mystifying.

tick tick

i quit the library job on friday and i have been enjoying no work and time to do the things i need to do. i have three lists (Fun Things, Sort of Urgent, Meanwhile - the latter being broken down to Visits, Research, Obligations, TCB). every day i make a mini-list entitled "TODAY I CAN," which makes me feel like a positive thinker. like i think my dad would approve of my list title.

today i can:
-- review extra schools (grad schools i'd noted a long time ago as potential MFA programs - yesterday i met with laura m____ and borrowed her AWP guide to writing programs - i looked up/photocopied about twenty-five schools)
-- return laura's book
-- review mistakes on 1st GRE practice test (700 verbal, 590 math. super lame. edit: it was 630 math / 59th percentile. per rikki's comment, i will say instead that i'd like my score to be higher. but i felt good about my two analytic writing essays.)
-- study spanish at highland
-- research ticket (plane ticket to granada, which i could not purchase until i got - or at least heard i was getting - my visa to spain.)
-- photo record player (i'm hoping to sell my combo record player/cd player/tape player/radio on craigslist or something.)
-- get copy of chopin from rikki
-- return rikki's book
-- check josh's music against missing CDs (lost in chicago - to see what i'm going to have to download and what i can just burn off his computer.)

so i was making this list last night and thinking "yeah right, some of this stuff just won't get done" - mainly the plane ticket. thinking about the plane ticket gives me a real stomachache.

i got really close to buying the ticket a month or so ago - long before i had heard about my visa - but it was so much money, and i had to go through three cheap ticket websites, which meant my tickets were nonrefundable, and possibly i would book one leg of the flight and then discover that another very important leg of the flight had suddenly filled up - i chickened out. and then i talked to breton about it and she said it would be better to wait till i had my visa, just in case i had to reschedule, because then i would be really mad, and a few more weeks wouldn't make such a difference in price at this point. i was really glad she said all that. it gave me an excuse to stop looking at airfare websites / thinking about buying my ticket / feeling ridiculously anxious.

and i wondered what would happen when i did buy the ticket. i figured i would turn into a real wreck, knowing finally for sure that i was leaving.

i found out on friday that my visa was ready. this was exciting news. it turns out i don't even need an appointment at the consulate, i just show up with my passport (i'm going tomorrow) and they affix the visa to it and i'm done. as long as i get there within the four-hour window in which the visa deparment operates.

so i don't actually have the visa in my hands but i know i should be buying my ticket anyway, and i've been dreading it and putting it off and justifying this procrastination with "well what if i get to the consulate tomorrow and they don't give me the visa" but of course this is bullshit.

at about 1pm i start researching ticket prices and they are extraordinarily high. like it's going to cost one-way about as much as a decent round-trip ticket would cost. the best i could find, which i was willing-ish to pay, was nola-miami-madrid-granada. it's cheaper to fly into malaga and take the bus to granada, but you have to factor in things like a) getting to malaga before the last bus to granada leaves and b) how confusing will it be to get to the bus station from the malaga airport, especially with c) my heavy-ass luggage that i probably can't lift myself, but will have to lift myself if i'm traveling by bus. anyway i figured i might as well go easy on myself my first day in spain and fly directly to granada.

MSY - miami = $172
miami - madrid = $529
madrid - granada = $50
total = $751, which includes tax but probably doesn't include some weird ticket fees, e.g., at least $27 required paper ticket shipment fee from cheaptickets.com

so figure $800 one-way, which, frankly, sucks. i started looking at other US/international airports to madrid, but nothing was cheaper than miami. finally it occured to me to try MSY direct to granada instead of paying the in-between ticket price. i knew i would stop over once in the U.S. but maybe if you let the airline book those two legs instead of booking them yourself, it's cheaper.

this turned out to be the case.

MSY - madrid = $545.10
madrid - granada = $46.28
grand total = $591.38

plus i only had to enter credit card info simultaneously into two websites, which somehow felt much more manageable than three.

SO NOW I HAVE A PLANE TICKET TO SPAIN
AND I AM ELATED.

like elated. like i wanted to cry i was so happy.

also, when i did up my financial status as of september 1, my net savings - after factoring in expected expenses and expected income - but before selling my car - was $10,352.03. that's not counting $1000 inheritance from grandmotherdear. i really wanted to have $10,000 after the plane ticket and before the car, but i only missed it by, what, $239.35. not too fucking shabby.

i am pretty fucking proud of myself right now.

also, rikki, your comment on the last post was comment #999 and my response was #1000.

third and inches

i would eat you slowly and take you with me

ATL

this concludes the baton rouge portion of our program.
stay tuned.

spain: I: delta

appx 6:15pm EST / 9/23/07 / atlanta (on board to madrid)
transposed and slightly abridged

i only slept 2 hours so i don’t know how much i’ll say.

notable:
-- walking through the quarter with brett friday afternoon, swarmed with south carolina fans (day before the game) – brett calling tiger bait but so mildly as always – an older guy we passed with USC stuff on muttered back, “yeah, i hear ya.” it was sweet and sort of sad. brett missed the game to hang out with me, which by saturday consisted almost solely of him watching "dirty jobs" on the sofa while i sat in despair on the blue room floor, surrounded by all of my stuff.

he went to derek’s for a little while; before he left, i said “don’t stay too long” and he said “are you kidding?” it was sweet. i felt special.

-- so i packed until 5am, and woke up at 7:15 and packed some more.

-- i actually managed to sleep on the one-hour flight to ATL. in fact, even after we landed (but before ‘deplaning’) i fell asleep repeatedly.
-- i don’t know the time difference – i could sleep right now and maybe i would be on spain schedule. we’re flying away from the sun, right? it’ll be night on the plane soon?

-- brett had said he wasn’t too into the airport thing but he stayed anyway, and sat with mom and michael while i ran around trying to get everything straight. this included ensuring that my bags were checked through to granada so that i didn’t have to repay the excess baggage fee ($100 – my bag is 79 lbs – the max is 50 lbs / piece for delta – it’s much less for spanair) – i had to get them to pull my luggage and recheck. (i just fell asleep again.)

-- anyway, mom hugged me in line for security and i thought it was pre-emptive and she cried and i cried – then she stepped out of line and i hugged michael – then i went to hug brett but i was at the front of the line so i kissed him twice and had to go – they watched me all through security, which was embarrassing because i was fumbling around. finally i looked back and they were gone. but then this group of women accosted me – they had been behind us in line – and when we cried they cried – they told me this all red-eyed and i totally lost it – i told them i was going to granada for eight months to teach english and i was sobbing. and annoyed that these women were making me cry. i saw them again later (they’d all hugged me) and they waved and i waved – i was like, seriously, stop.
-- i called mom and told her all that as soon as i found a payphone. brett and michael were still in the car with her.

-- i sat next to an outlet at the atlanta terminal to charge my laptop and edit the terror video – an older man sat next to me to plug his comp in too. somehow – oh, i brought up that the wireless was free in the concourse but not in the terminal – he said he didn’t have wireless and had never used it. i said dude you don’t know what you’re missing – and it’s so easy – you just plug in your wireless card and it’s good to go. then i stopped and looked at his machine. it looked pretty new. i asked and he said it was about two years old. i said he probably had a card in there already – had he ever tried to get online when he wasn’t plugged in? no. so we poked around for all of two minutes and he was online.  i felt like i did a good deed.

-- brett wanted me to call him when i got to ATL – i left my phone and his is breaking – so i called michael long-distance on another payphone and asked him to tell mom and brett that i was in ATL and to give brett the number of the payphone. i didn’t get to talk to him though.

-- part of me is relieved to be leaving – like i can start over without the bullshit baggage and even the carefully delineated friend intricacies. the other part of me was eying the nola departures from ATL. it was hard waiting at the gate to board for madrid. eight hours and forty-five minutes is a long drive if all i want to do when i get there is come back home.

-- dad: went to dinner, he took me and brett to deanie’s for boiled seafood (my request) – we all over-ate. it was ok and awkward talking to him (haven’t seen him since late june/early july – or talked to him). he did the mild ‘how you been’ thing  and i was like, “oh,  you know.” bad timing for him to act like a total motherfucker. i’m sorry i couldn’t spend good time with him before i left but it’s hard to see him right now.

-- still, mom is taking stuff down in the house and putting things in boxes, and i showed brett the mini windchime i got at the nature company in junior high – i decided to use it as a doorbell for my bedroom and my dad was the only person who used it – every time he came to my door. i think that’s pretty cool.

-- what else.
-- delta’s customer service is impressive.

spain: II: madrid-barajas

10:30am CEST / 9/24/07 / madrid airport
transposed and unabridged

--i took 2 benadryl on the plane, watched georgia rule (actually decent – though the trailer bizarrely makes no mention of the sex abuse plotline and the whole movie was written, directed, and produced by men). then i passed out. i was in the center aisle and for the first time found myself seriously envying the people with those u-shaped headrest things. also, there was no one sitting in the center seat but the woman on the end totally usurped the extra space. she even slept on both chairs. we hit some heavy rollercoaster stomach-dropping turbulence – i was sorry i had sampled the complimentary mini-bottle of red wine after dinner – the middle seat tray was down and at one point my cup of water was jolted off – and my bottle of wine slid off too - i found myself hoping that in the middle of the night the wine bottle would fall on her head. not very nice. i was tired, i guess.
-- i ended up lifting my right armrest about forty degrees and putting the pillow between the armrest and my head – as soon as i got into the position i knew i would fall asleep. it was awesome. i slept hard – two benadryl and two hours of bed sleep will do that to you, i guess.

-- i checked my luggage with delta all the way through to granada but supposedly the madrid airport is notorious for fucking up luggage, so i hung out at the baggage claim just to make sure my stuff didn’t get left in madrid. almost immediately i saw an overstuffed black bag – with an orange ‘heavy’ tag – with a gold ribbon. fuck, i thought, and yanked it off the carousel. i’m standing there watching for my other bag, dreading the inevitable exorbitant re-charge of excess baggage fees –

when a man in his 30s (i’d waited in line for the bathroom on the plane with him and his daughter) asked in spanish if that was actually my bag. i said, “god, i hope not,” and we fumbled with the luggage tags. finally he opened the card and his name was on it. my luggage didn’t show.

-- walking through the airport, i can read most of the signs without translation – the few times i’ve spoken aloud (in english) i realized later that i know how to say most of it in spanish. i was looking for the spanair check-in and asked a guy at a different counter, “¿donde está spanair?” – except i pronounced the airline american – he said, “a terminal two.”

-- at the spanair check-in, the couple in front of me was getting in line but looking flustered, and this middle-aged woman came up and shouted, “¡vaca!” so i’m pretty sure she called them cows. i’m all nervous about standing by a crazy shouting lady but then four special needs people joined her in line, accompanied by young caretakers. the people in wheelchairs were excited – not sure if it was the good kind or the bad kind. i think it was the good kind.

-- first stupid purchase experience: for one thing, the Ars restaurant (café food) in the airport has a whole table of sandwiches on baguettes – all labelled differently – all looking virtually identical. as in they were mislabeled. then i realized (as a staff person was putting out the salad bar) that i was actually a little early for lunch. i decided to get a bottle of water and try to get online, then go back for food. my water cost 2,60 and is called AquArius. it’s cloudy-looking so i thought maybe it was mineral water – but actually it’s like nasty lemonade-flavored gatorade. it’s the “bebida oficial de los juegos olímpicos.” oh well.

spain: III: AB**

appx 9:40pm CEST / 9/24 still / granada - nuevo cafe
transposed, unabridged, inebriously truncated

jesus fucking christ.

-- the hostal ab** is great - exactly what i wanted. they upgraded my room from a single to a double with twin beds as part of a suite with a bathroom and kitchen - "because you're here for 6 days," the french girl working the desk said. they didn't charge me extra.

-- i couldn't - hang on: "flood" by jars of clay and "hey you" by pink floyd playing at this bar
-- i couldn't use my cap 1 debit card at the hostel, though - i'd emailed them yesterday to tell them not to freeze my accounts - my ATM card works, though, so i ran and got cash. i did the heavy lifting with my big bag, too. it was a struggle but i took deep breaths and got blisters on my palms.

-- so i tried the wireless in my room immediately and it totally works. AND brett was on gmail. he said "yayyyy" and i said listen i need you to call cap 1 for me. and he took care of it, and my laptop plug adapter works, and gmail was back up (it had been down in ATL) - i sent brett the youtube clip of trrr i had uploaded as a quality check - he said it was good but had one request - could i tag the videos with "terror of the sea," "trrr," "baton rouge," "chelseas" - i said, i did already - and he said oh, haha - i said i'm good, huh.

-- so things got crappy after that. once i talked to him and checked my shit i wasn't tired anymore (on the plane i was convinced i was going to pass out as soon as i got to the hostel) - i need a towel - didn't pack one and the hostel didn't provide - i really need a shower after 24+ hours of traveling) - and what else was i looking for? facewash? food? i can't remember - my brain is totally fried. anyway. i looked through a pharmacy window but it's all OTC and i'm not feeling social enough for that yet - but undoubtedly my facewash is there - and the supermercado did not (obviously) have towels - they did have dove shampoo, which is fucking awesome. deodorant too. anyway.

european grocery stores are tiny and this one had a turnstile to come in and the only way out looked to be through the cashier line. i was afraid of walking through the closed lines - they were blocked off by a do not enter sign that took up the whole tiny aisle - and i didn't want anyone to yell at me if i walked through the checkout without paying for something - what if they thought i was shoplifting? so i bought a fucking bottle of water just so i could leave.

-- then i went to the hostel desk to ask about towels. she gave me one but i wanted to know what kind of store to buy them in - i'll have to buy them eventually. she said she didn't know and also looked at me like i was crazy.

-- i looked in a fabric / home decorating store for them too - they had little kid bath robes but no towels.

-- then i went back up to my room and had a hard time unlocking the suite door - oh, before this, when i first went down, i went down one flight (i'm on the segundo floor) and these people were coming in, so i waited until the father had gotten the girl in the stroller out of the way - then i went out - but it was, uh, their room. they were like, "¿donde vas?" i was like, "oh, i'm trying to get out" - they said in spanish that the second floor was up one (which obviously i knew) and i said in english do i need to go down another? and pointed, but they had no idea what i was talking about. to get them off my case i just went where they were pointing, back upstairs. then i took the elevator down to the first floor and when the door opened, there they were. and we couldn't all fit in the elevator (plus stroller) so i just hit close. i had to go down to floor 0. and found the door, but could not figure out how to open it. this is the door to outside the hostel. i'm trying it with my key and nothing doing. so i have to wait until that same fucking family walks up to the door and the woman shows me the button way the hell away from the door that buzzes the door open. we laughed, and i felt like a fucking idiot. i was annoyed that the french girl didn't explain that to me at check-in.

-- so anyway i got directions to some tapas bars - really i wanted dinner - really i wanted to stay in but i knew i'd have to go out eventually and better when i'n not dying of hunger. the check-in french girl said people in spain eat tapas instead of dinner - i'm like, dude, i don't want to get drunk, i want water and food. but she said you can get tea or coke or whatever (coke is "coca," short for "coca-cola," just like maria said it). she wrote down some places and what kind of tapas they had (e.g., you go here if you're hungry, here they serve potatoes, here it's just one sushi roll with your drink) - i got lost on my first try  (the main roads don't have any fucking signs on them) - i went back to the start (oh, earlier i also couldn't find the apartment part of the hostel, which is in a separate building from check-in - that was awesome) - anyway. i got my bearings a little better and found the one she recommended "if you're hungry" - on the way i saw this open empty bar with red wood paneling and delachaise-looking options - i kept walking to my destination, el poderio, which was full of teenagers - you couldn't even sit - i didn't want to attempt to order tapas in front of a crowd of young people - i already wasn't sure if you had to order a new drink for every tapa. so i walked back to the first place and asked the (young) bartender if he had a menu (in tentative spanish) - he said "para comer, nada" - so i walked back to the other place and went up to the counter - and had no idea what any of the tapas were (i knew some of what was on each, e.g., jamón, lechuga, tomate - but not the main part, like, what the fuck is a "rosca"?) - so i said in english, "uh, i've never ordered tapas before" - and the harried bartender gave no shits. i couldn't even tell what kind of drink selection they had - didn't look like an iced tea kind of place - i would have even been okay with sangria, but the sangria looking thing came out the tap - so - i had a coke ("coca") and a "rosca" with jamón y tomate. it was this white pseudo-bagel bread and there was no tomate - a red kind of sauce, only enough to be absorbed by the nasty bread. everyone else was getting these awesome looking sandwiches. and the food (tapas) is free - you just pay for the drink -

holy fuck i'm drunk. one brandy, one brandy, one sherry, one brandy.

jetlag

9/25/07  / 8pm / central perk internet cafe
email response to brett: hippie sweet

i miss you insanely
this is really hard
like harder than i even thought
i slept most of the day
instead of actually doing anything
other than feeding myself bc i thought i was going to throw up
of course the hostel is right by a bunch of pescadorias or whatever you call it
fishmonger people
so i'm shaking hungry and have no idea where to go for lunch, everything is like serious restaurants and i just want a sandwich shop
smelling fish and exhaust
but i made a friend last night
at this empty bar like the delachaise
i had three brandys and a glass of sherry and a bottle of water
for 6 euro because the bartender is a 22 year old russian dude named ivan and i was the only person in the bar
he speaks english so i asked him to tell me about a bank and where to look for apartments and what's the deal with the major roads don't have fucking street signs
it was nice
he gave me his number
i just want to be like OH GOD PLEASE BE MY FRIEND
it's really awful not to know a fucking soul here
i dreamt all afternoon that i was here with everyone i know, even though they were leaving in a few months, and i was trying to convince people to be my roommate
have to get a phone tomorrow for serious
can't sleep all day
the thought of trying to call people to get an apartment makes me seriously want to die
i can understand better than i expected but talking is really hard
over the phone seems impossible
little things i can do, like podrias decirme donde esta el....uh.....internet cafe? and then i mock-type on the counter
this nice guy at the sandwich shop i just had dinner at (everyone looks at my plate, which has half the food still on it, and they´re like "you're not hungry?" except in spanish - sometimes i can't remember afterwards if they said stuff in english or not, and thats good, right, that it sounds the same to me when i understand. but yeah, i'm not hungry. i feel hungry sick but can't eat much.) but anyway the sandwich shop guy was nice and i managed to get decent food even though i didn't finish it and then i asked him about the internet cafe and he started to tell me directions but i made him draw me a map - he said no no, es facil but i looked at him like, seriously dude, and he laughed and drew me the nicest map. the cafe was across the street and across the little roundabout, and he drew the roundabout and the side street and even the crosswalks...and then drew the line from where we were to where the cafe was, and made...get this...pedestrian sound effects. it was the best interaction i had today. not that there were too many. but anyway.
oh i played the piano at the bar last night for a minute - i stopped because i was the only person there and the dude seemed to feel obligated to stand there and listen, and no one wants to hear a 30 minute concert, you know. i was drunk tho so i fucked up a little. i went to bed feeling like this might be ok. but still woke up totally panicked.
anyway. i wish i could talk to you but you don't get out of class until 1am, i think, and the wireless is fucking fucked. which totally sucks. i keep checking back because i´m in denial.
i love you
hi to fred and everyone

nice day, nice things

(that's the name of a store i passed yesterday on my way to buy a móvil.)

ivan the russian told me tuesday night that he was working lunch on wednesday. spanish lunchtime is 1-4. (spanish dinner is after 9.)  i showed up at 3:30ish and had gazpacho (good, but cold soups do kind of weird me out) and bread and lomo de cerdo (pork loin) with some freaky soy sauce gelatin topping and good patatas fritas (french fries) and melon which was watermelon-shaped but honeydew-colored. it was pretty good. the biggest meal i'd eaten and i was totally stuffed afterwards - and the portions were not large but i couldn't finish any of it. except the french fries.

anyway i had lunch and then ivan was like, so, uh, i'm done with work in like ten minutes, if you want to wait i'll go with you to get the phone. so of course i took him up on that. i probably went to lunch hoping he would do that. hoping he would help me do anything productive in spain. it's really hard - there are very few english speakers around here. i think it's more common in the center of the city where it's touristy, but my hostel is kind of "downtown" and it's commercial and strictly locals.

oh, this is strange and annoying: my hostel map doesn't have a compass orientation thing on it - so i'm not sure where the hostel is in relation to the center. this has been bugging me - i got used to my baton rouge northgate/southgate orientation. so my hostel is at the bottom of the map but i didn't know if that was south. then i looked at the map i got from the tourist office and the hostel was pretty much in the same spot relative to the center, so i just assumed it was southwest-ish. but then i discovered that maps of granada from granada are oriented so that, if you were looking at a standard 8x11 piece of paper, the city is laid out to fit lengthwise top to bottom - and north is at about 10 o'clock. as in the whole map is angled counter fucking clockwise. so my hostel is "granada-south" (as i have come to call it) but actually due west of the center. to add to the confusion, guidebooks from the real world have regular maps oriented to north, so main streets run one direction on a granada map but in a totally different direction in the guidebook.

so after lunch, i went with ivan to his friend's bar (to drop off "bar music" - see previous post for e.g. - also, no doubt's "don't speak" is a surprise hit - which made no sense at first but then, as i discerned the subtle layers of melodramatic arrangement, including soaring vocal harmony and spanish guitar breaks, i understood) - we sat there for an hour, ivan talking in russian to a russian lady and spanish to the bar owner and me sitting there frantically sipping my water. you know the bathrooms are marked "servicios" here - it's like they don't teach you anything useful in school.

anyway we were there so long because all the stores close for "lunch" (2-5, aka siesta time) and reopen from 5-9ish. at five ivan took me to this store called phone house and i got the cheapest phone they had (€29 - no camera etc - i told him i just wanted to make calls). my móvil is vodafone and (i think) the vitamina plan. it's hard to set it up because the fucking manual is in spanish of course. i did figure out how to change the phone setting to english so at least i can tell if i'm saving a contact or erasing it. that's pretty key at the moment.

so then what. ivan went off to visit another friend, i walked down the main street to the center looking for piso (apartment) phone numbers to pull, then returned to the hostel where i spent several hours being what barrett called "un raton del internet" off the wifi in my bedroom. this program girl named jenny facebook-messaged me to say she was in town and we could hang out. she offered to help me with the piso shit. she said she had nothing better to do. i was more than happy to take her up on her offer.

i went to bed at 5am and woke up at 12:45 - checked my messages to see if any of the people i contacted online about pisos had responded - the most contact i had was with this one girl named desiree who had a place in the center. she said to call cristian, another roommate, who is in charge of the whole deal. i met jenny for lunch at 2 in the center - she took me to el corte inglés to "recharge" my phone (the word they use is "recargado" but it means to put money on your phone). then she wrote me a script for the piso phonecall. we sat on a bench and i called cristian and used the script, but even after i said the part about being from the united states and my spanish is bad so could you please talk slow, i still couldn't understand a fucking thing he was saying. and he was saying "meet me at six at ______________________" which was, you know, important. i passed the phone to fluent-spanish-speaker-because-she-dated-a-dude-from-madrid jenny. and felt like an ass.

anyway we were supposed to meet cristian at the arco de elvira (elvira being a "main" street in a neighborhood up from the center, right at the edge of the albaicín, which is like a historic district built up on this steep hill) - elvira is very winding and narrow and you can really see the moorish influence - that section of town feels a lot like the quarter except not french, of course. but dirty historic and posh morbid. so we're waiting for fifteen minutes and even though cristian isn't late by spanish standards i guess, jenny had another piso appointment at seven way across town. she wanted to stay with me but i told her to take care of what she needed to take care of and i'd be okay - i didn't want her to miss out on an apartment. she stayed and i called cristian, who said something to the effect of "i'm on my way, sorry sorry, chau." he rode up on a bike and walked us around the corner to the piso, which is a little ways up a steep hill - like twenty feet. and the apartment in general is totally swanky compared to my old digs - like, all of them - the bedroom is small and the window faces the interior of the little courtyard (exterior is preferred usually - better light) - the kitchen sink was full of dishes and neither of the other two roommates (two girls, one french and one spanish) were home. he said it was €200 for the room, probably €250 with bills. evidently they moved in this month, because they haven't paid the first month's utilities yet. i asked if they were definitely getting internet and he said yes - "es fundamental, ¿verdad?" i was like, definitely. anyway he speaks pretty much no english and i obviously speak very little spanish - he just laughed and said "poco a poco."

also, i emailed the junta de andalucía about my school never responding to my messages and they wrote back immediately, saying that they'd contact the school and give them my email address, and not to worry, and that i didn't need to visit the school this week - all i needed to do was be at orientation on october 1. then a dude named ramon who teaches english at the school emailed me to say hi and that the name of the colegio has been changed (!) - instead of CEIP dolores romero pozo it's CEIP el zargal, which is the name of the street the school's on. so that was all a huge relief.

it's really tempting for me to write some of these words in spanish. the writing is getting faster and easier. but i think that would annoy some of you people - i know in the rare moments that breton writes french stuff on her blog i have no idea what she's talking about. i'll try to keep my spanglish to a minimum - as i'm starting out here, though, it's exciting to be learning vocabulary and hard not to use it.

anyways. i'm tired. it's 4:15am here. i should probably change the blogtime. mañana. you know why i'm so tired? because i ran from the elvira apartment in "granada north" to the "granada east" side of town in forty-five minutes with jenny - who got to the piso appointment just in time to find out that the girl who got there at 7pm on the dot took the apartment. i guess it's good to know i can run literally across town in under an hour. but still. my legs hurt.

attn

you may send birthday presents to

calle de cruz de arqueros, 8, 1ºb
18010 granada, spain

october 19, yo.

puta madre, puta mierda, onion shovel

trying to put these things in some kind of order..

i have been sans internet en casa since i left the hostel last friday. i write in my journal and make notes on my laptop but have not wanted to post in an internet cafe. well, the word in the piso is that the internet will be installed in about two and a half weeks. i can't wait that long to post, so here we go.

this was saturday night (sept 30)

i showed up at the piso with about half of my shit from the hostel. it's a solid 20 - 25 minute walk from the bottom of town to calle elvira, which is sort of the beginning of the albaicín neighborhood. when i opened the door, my compañeros (cristian, alicia, and cecile) were sitting on the sofa with elena (cristian and alicia's friend from the canary islands). they were playing a board game. alicia, who i was worried would be kind of a hardass, looked up at me and smiled and said 'do you want to play?' (in spanish, obviously. they don't speak much english, as you will see later.)

anyway i'm feeling all awkward and i'm like, well, i mean, i don't...i can't talk...

but i put my stuff in my room and come back because i don't want to be antisocial or whatever. i sit next to cristian, who offers me beer and a fudgsicle. this plus board games. i'm thinking they will be good roommates. after a while they try to explain the game - it's kind of like cranium or trivial pursuit. at one point cristian draws a picture (new verb: dibujar) and the girls are all laughing and someone says it's very 'falo.' cristian draws for me: a man with two circles indicating his balls. i think maybe he had been trying to draw a cherry initially? anyway he tries to say cherries in english but instead says 'strawberry,' pleased with himself, and i tell him that he means cherry because strawberry is fre