i've got dance rehearsal in about ten minutes--but i just ran into haley in the quad--she was on her cell--as she passed me she covered up the receiver with her hand and said: "real quick i got a joke for you. why does snoop dogg always carry an umbrella?"
i dunno, why?
"fo' drizzle!"
trying to plan my day-and-a-half in new orleans to make sure i get to see everyone i need to see: i have a date with breton for either wednesday or thursday afternoon, hopefully i can make it to shannon's class at the studio wednesday night, i have a hair appointment thursday morning, couldn't get a hold of lisa, cat's going to come up to baton rouge to see me, don's leaving for spring hill saturday but stephen said he'd call me thursday and maybe don will come up to see rebirth on thursday night--
then stephen says "hey. by the way. is that a picture of you on the lsu.edu page?"
yes. yes, it is. do i look twelve years old and retarded? then yup, that's me. shut the fuck up about it.
"...yeah. you're laughing in it or something."
yeah, everyone i know has been giving me shit about it.
"have they been telling you that it was, like, a good picture? 'cause...you really do look, like...mentally disabled."
yeah. shut the fuck up.
"it's for the honors college or something?"
yeah, isn't that ironic.
"why?"
because it's for the honors college and i look like i'm mentally retarded.
"oh, yeah. haha. that is ironic. hahahahaha."
(for the record. all of you people can go straight to hell.)
yaaaaaaaay for birthdays.
----------
crispybreton: happy birthday
Auto response from grapity purple: ::happy birthday to me::
bingo at chelsea's tonight.
crispybreton: i miss you like a sun misses a sunburn
crispybreton: i miss you like peanut butter misses jelly... or better yet how fromage misses pain.
crispybreton: i miss you!
crispybreton: and happy birthday
crispybreton: joyeux anniversaire
(note to breton: my grammar school french is a little rusty; at first i thought you were saying that cheese missed pain. but "pain" is bread, right? right?)
-----------
LugEMONkeY (2:13:52 AM): happy birthday bitch!! you going to bingo tonight? great, see you there.
-----------
geojesslsu: after i read your "livejournal" post, i happened upon this little nugget in The Advocate's horoscope section: Happy Birthday: You should be totally focused on work, money and going in the direction that will allow you to use your talents. Procrastinating about your goals will not result in satisfaction. You will be more receptive this year, making this the ideal time to try something new. Your numbers are 4, 17, 22, 25, 33, 41
(note to jesse: it's a *typepad*, smartypants. but that's okay, because jesse gets brownie points for being the first person to tell me happy birthday, at midnight last night.)
-----------
swingingcat7: i need your address! i need your address!
swingingcat7 is away at 1:58:15 PM.
grapity purple: [blah blah blah, baton rouge address]
Auto response from swingingcat7: to my kumquat, my friend who was by my side during the "awakening" in pre-ballet, the nature fairies, sleepovers that lasted for DAYS, dinners at chilis, that incident with the covergray, "little women" in 8th grade (where we were really just playing ourselves), ballet recital upon ballet recital, bi-annual sushi dates and nights of just driving around to catch up...
happy 21st birthday, ann!
welcome to the cool-kids club :-)
----------
aaaaaaand matt called me this morning, from freaking england, to tell me happy birthday, because he is awesome.
aaaaaand i walked into my india class and told ben it was my birthday, and he took me out to lunch afterwards.
aaaaaaand my dad called me this afternoon, to say my camera came in, and he's going to drive up here tonight to bring it to me and to take me out to dinner. to ruth's chris. holy hell.
aaaaaaand when i got up this morning and went into the bathroom, rikki had a present for me sitting on the shelf in front of the mirror. it was wrapped in printer paper and tied with a couple of my hair thingies. and it was a bunch of really cute colorful bobbypins and ladybug earrings. which was very exciting.
so all in all, it's been a good birthday. because i have the best friends ever. and it'll be a good birthday all week, because the party is friday, hooray! and yes i'll take pictures, breton.
oh and we workshopped my first story and it went over really well.
happy, happy day. i feel so loved.
conversation with my neighbors on their front porch, 11am:
me: you know, these chairs look a lot redder in the daylight. i like them.
ross: you do?
me: what, you don't?
ross: no, i do, i was just worried that no one would like them. see, paul, people like them.
me: actually, i think they're "gay."
paul: really?
me: no.
paul: ross said i was gay this morning for making toast.
me: you told him he was gay for making toast?
ross: well, yeah.
me: toast is awesome.
paul: see.
me: i eat everything on toast.
ross: ...do you eat chairs on toast?
(beat)
me: do i eat chairs on toast?
ross: yeah.
me: no. (beat) but i do eat toast on chairs.
barrett picked me up on my way to class this morning. he was wearing a button-down and khakis. i asked him why he was so dressed up. "because i have nothing else left," he said. oh, laundry day.
i told him i would rather be dead than awake right now--thanksgiving break totally fucked my sleep schedule. he said he didn't get much sleep either--he woke up in the middle of the night. but he had this amazing dream:
"and it's going to make an amazing story, too. and you better not steal my idea. but, okay, so, i'm walking to class but it's like there's a river that i have to cross. so i'm like, swimming through the river, and i'm playing around on my cellphone, and it rings, and it's me. like, i called myself. but i didn't think anything of it, like maybe my phone was trying to take a picture or something. and then i realized that the river was actually a waterfall, and i was like, goddammit, and so i put the phone away and started swimming...and then when i got to the other side i realized that i hadn't locked the door to the house. so i called jacob and told him to lock the door. but he'd already left the house--but he hadn't crossed the river yet. and i was like 'c'mon, man, lock it would you,' and he was like 'no, man, you' and i'm like 'but i already crossed the river.' and he was like 'fine, okay, but bring me something back.' and i'm like 'back from where?' and he's like 'from the future' and i'm like 'what??' and he's like 'c'mon, man, just bring me something back from the future' and i'm like 'how am i supposed to do that?' and he's like 'when you go into work today, duh.' except then i thought about it and was like, you know, if i bring something back, whatever it is will exist in two places, the present and the future, and if the two objects touch they'll annihilate each other--"
barrett parked the car and we got out and started walking. he added, "of course, the lab i work in has absolutely nothing to do with time travel. but when i woke up i realized that my dream was basically laying out instructions."
i said, "what, so, if you call yourself on the phone while crossing a waterfall..."
he rolled his eyes. "no, ann, obviously that was just imagery."
but then we had to part ways.
i'm eating my way through a bag of dove dark chocolate that my mom got me for christmas. it's the kind with little messages on the inside of the foil wrappers. the last three announced: Joy to...You. whatever that means.
i have my favorite fortune cookie proclamations taped up on my computer monitor. there are twenty-two up there right now. actually, three of them are taco bell fire sauce packets, and one is a bottle cap that says "A new chapter in your life is being written." the ones from the cookies say things like You love sports, horses, and gambling, but not to excess and You will awarded some great honor (sic). i got one that said Be yourself, and you will always be in fashion three times in a row. i like that one. i also like the one that instructs me to Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze. sometimes the fortunes have chinese lessons on the back: LEARN CHINESE -- Are you Mr. Bush?
but my absolute favorite is the one that says You will be the best.
the best at what?
oh, you know. just in general. The Best.
for two weeks rikki and i had been debating What to Do for New Year's. it went a little something like this:
ann: what are we doing for new year's?
rikki: hmm.
ann: we could have a party.
rikki: oh, we could totally have a party.
ann: let's have a party.
rikki: we need to call people.days pass. no effort is made to actually plan a party. then--
rikki: i think ian and groh might be having a party.
ann: who's going?
rikki: i think maybe the lafayette high kids. mike's in town. but it's still up in the air. i think no one has decided to have a party or not have a party, and everyone's waiting to see what everyone else will do.
ann: well, we should just decide to have a party.
rikki: we need to call people.later.
ann: what are we doing for new year's?
rikki: we could have a party.
ann: we should totally have a party.
rikki: if all else fails, i think there's going to be a bathtub bonfire on ivanhoe.
ann: really?
rikki: well, leif said no one's made any actual plans or anything, but it will definitely happen. somehow. i mean, something will happen. whether it's a bonfire or not. somehow something will happen somewhere.
meanwhile, i get a voicemail from becca saying that i should call her back because she has big news. and her big news is that she's moving to new orleans with brice. like, this week. when i hang up with her i sit and stare at the phone for a while, feeling like i've been punched in the stomach. two years ago i was living in tiger plaza with elizabeth, breton, becca, and the signicant others: travis, jason, anna, and jesse. now elizabeth is in boston, breton is in paris, travis is in georgia with jake, jason is in france. i rarely see anna and practically never see jesse. matt's in england. ben's in new orleans. i haven't even fucking graduated yet. everyone should still be here. everyone should still be friends.
i saw brice at the promis show. we were talking about how we didn't know what we were doing for new year's. i told him how i used to get really sad on new year's eve. i used to cry. "but mom...1992 was such a good year, and 1993 will be different." i've never been good at change.
it's a college town, i know. we're supposed to scatter like this. but i wasn't ready. or maybe i was. i've been looking at internships for when i graduate in may. it sucks all the breath out of me to think about it. but there's nothing left for me here.
that's what becca said. "it's not that you're not enough for me to stay." she smiled and shrugged. "but, you know. you're not."
i'm looking at the northeast. i'm always looking at the northeast.
it looks cold and lonely. and very far away. and where i want to be.
then i got a letter from breton. really it was more like a very small package, with little notes and a CD of christmas-in-paris pictures to the tune of "Jingle Bells" in french. (breton, i think my favorite was the man peeing in the metro.) the outside of the envelope was covered in scratch-n-sniff pickle stickers, which breton knows are my favorite. i had been so sad all day, thinking about becca leaving. but this package from breton made me giddy. i sat on my front porch and read the notes and sniffed the stickers and laughed to myself. then i heard ross next door playing guitar on his front steps, so i ran over to show him. it was the happiest i've been in weeks.
at midnight on new year's eve rikki was at ang's apartment and i was next door watching the boys blow things up. i was hoping to get a kiss out of the whole thing, but no dice. it was me, ross, paul, the other ross, his girlfriend, and their dog. and not really a moment where kissing would have been appropriate. it was more like "hey, what would happen if we taped these three bottle rockets together and put spinner things on the sides and then stuck it under a clay pot / inside a box of stale cornflakes / in a Big Gulp cup filled with birdseed?" and me cowering behind whoever was closest. but at the stroke of midnight (i was watching the clock on my cellphone) ross did come stand by me. which is something. i guess.
i managed to get happy new year's wishes over the phone from my mom, my dad, barrett, adam, jessie, cat, and becca. so that made me feel loved. and at one i went and hung out with adam at chelsea's, where he was working the door. and then i met up with brice and becca and went to the ivanhoe bonfire, which did actually happen. mike and crawford were there, along with the usual bonfire gang. i went home sober and happy and fell asleep at two.
the next morning i drove into new orleans for the umpteenth time this week. i might be too old to hang out with my grandparents and cousins on new year's eve without feeling really lame--but new year's day belongs to my family. and black-eyed peas will be eaten. and that is that.
breton had given me knitting needles, practice yarn, and a copy of Stitch N Bitch for christmas last year--we were supposed to learn to knit together, but that didn't happen. it's hard to learn from a book; you end up holding onto your needles with yarn rolling off your lap, trying to keep the book open with your elbows. so when i saw my aunt meg knitting a cool scarf at christmas, i asked her if she'd show me the ropes. new year's day was like a knitting festival--mimi and aunt pattie had busted out the knitting supplies too, and aunt kay was learning. they took turns sitting by me and giving advice.
things i learned:
-- beginners tend to be tense, and their stitches are tight as a result. tight stitches are hard to work with. tension makes your upper back hurt. also you wake up the next morning as sore as if you'd done fucking push-ups the night before. repeat to yourself, with each new stitch: loose, loose, loose.
-- you don't have to count every row, but you should keep track of your stitches; otherwise you cast on twenty and wind up with thirty-one. and then your relatives will laugh at you. and your knitting will take on an unusual pyramid shape.
-- a pencil eraser (the removable kind that you buy separately) caps off your needles nicely so that your five-year-old cousin can't yank them out and unravel all your work.
-- knitting is addictive. at night you will lie in bed and close your eyes and have visions of needles sliding in and out of yarn. yarn slipping off the needle. slowly slowly fall asleep.
late afternoon my cousin kaylen announced that she and kelsey, her sister, were going to starbucks with erin and genna. genna and kaylen are sophomores, kelsey is in eighth grade, and erin is in seventh. occasionally i will take them all out for a girls' night, or we'll go on walks or hide in a bedroom at mimi's house and have girl conversations. they ask after my boyfriends. i don't know if they think i'm particularly cool, but i probably get points for being in college; college is of course the coolest thing ever.
kaylen: i can't wait till college. so i can get away from here.
kelsey: i can't wait till you go to LSU and i can come spend the day.
kaylen: uh, first i'd have to invite you.
kelsey: yeah, but by the time you're in college you'll probably like me.
anyway, i told the girls i'd go with them to starbucks. kaylen, with her freshly-minted license, was driving. of course there are no starbucks in st. bernard, so we had to go all the way to metairie. on the interstate. the other three girls were in the back and michael and i were both buckled into the front seat, which prompted kelsey to repeatedly voice her concern that we would all be arrested. "shut up or get out, kelsey," kaylen said. michael pointed out that she'd have to stop the car first.
we approached the 90-10 split. "what do i do?" kaylen asked, panicky, and i said "right, right," and pointed to the right. she went left. "you have to point," she said. um, i did.
so i'm coaxing her through it. "okay, get off, it's no big deal, get off, left lane, okay, left at the light, okay, we're going to make a U-turn. watch the cars. okay. now we're going to take a right at this light." there were cars approaching--they were far enough away so that she could have gone for it, but she hesitated. so i'm saying "okay, you could--no, wait--" but she was already starting to go, and the cars, and i'm saying "wait, well, okayGOREALLYFAST" and the kids are sort of shrieking in the back and i'm clutching on to michael and this guy driving a truck laughed at us.
at starbucks the girls drank "frapps" in various flavors and i had a hot tea and ripped out all my knitting. the boy cousins had gotten BB guns for christmas--mostly semi-automatics, but michael and kevin got fully automatic ones. so erin is on kelsey's cellphone, with her legs crossed daintily and her frapp in hand. she's talking to her mom: "so wait, you got me a gun? is it fully automatic?" and i'm hoping none of the other starbucks patrons can hear this conversation.
we made it home in one piece, going 45 all the way. i thought about telling kaylen to speed up and then remembered it took me a while to work up to the speed limit when i was first learning to drive. and she was doing okay. back at mimi's, aunt shannon had put on The Sound of Music and we all sat around knitting and singing along. grandpa kept getting pissed and muting the movie: "okay, sing! go ahead! get it out of your system! you want to sing, sing!"
julie andrews: (singing) gone are your old ideas of life / the old ideas grow dim / lo and behold you're someone's wife / and you belong to him...
ann: 'and you belong to him.' some lyrics.
uncle jamie: that's right. many a happy marriage started that way.
ann: (shooting him a dirty look)
uncle jamie: i'm serious. i tell my wife what to do, and she listens.
ann: brilliant.
aunt pattie: we are nothing but chattel.
aunt shannon: and you know, fifty percent of the people in those marriages are happy!
kevin: (running in from outside) come see! uncle mike got two christmas trees off of people's curbs and he's lighting them on fire!(general clamor, everyone standing up)
aunt meg: tim, pause the movie!
aunt ellen: jesus, mike, the fire station is right next door...
grandpa: i hope they come arrest him.(cast exits stage left to view burning trees in vacant lot next door.)
happy new year, ya'll.
after the movie, we sat on the front steps of his house and talked about first times and awkward moments. and he said oh i forgot to tell you. about this dream i had. and you were in it.
i didn't know you but you were there and you were working at the library. i went up to the desk to ask you a question about a book, who the author was, and you started to tell me but then your boss, this lady, came up to us and started bitching at you for talking instead of working. so i told you that i would leave and come back in a minute so that it would look like you were working. when i came back, instead of talking you started to write down this coded message on a piece of paper. it was random words in random order: purple, pill, obligatory. then you turned the paper over and wrote out a description of the author i was looking for--not her name, but her physical characteristics. like, high cheekbones, brown eyes. and i was like, well, okay, thanks. fucking weird, man.
we were talking about existentialism and i was getting annoyed because really if there is no truth and everything is just arbitrary and life has no meaning really then why don't we all just bury ourselves in the ground because nothing matters anyway. that's such pseudophilosophical bullshit, i told him. and bad paraphrasing. and what about investing life with meaning. and he said i think you're intimidated by me. i laughed at him. i said don't flatter yourself. and he said well, but, you know, because, i am, sometimes, you know, intimidated by you. his voice got small. he was talking into his knees. why i said. and he said because you're, uh, really smart. and other stuff too. but.
and then i was embarrassed. because i always do make that an issue. i seem to have a chip on my shoulder about it. maybe i'm afraid that i'll be otherwise dismissed. and really how would he even know. maybe i'm faking it.
you have a hole in your shirt i said.
i have many holes in many shirts he said. where.
i stuck my finger through it. it was in the middle of his sleeve. brown cotton.
this is the best kind of shirt by the way he said.
i flipped up the back of his collar to see the tag.
do me a favor and rip out the tag while you're back there he said.
so i ripped out the tag.
the step was concrete we were side-by-side talking forward onto the street into the morning. sometimes i'd look at him in profile and i kept thinking i want to bite his ear. not hard. but.
it was almost seven and the sky still hadn't gotten any lighter. i wish there were more hours in the day he said i wish i could stretch out time because there's not enough time sometimes. like i know i need to go to bed soon so i can get up tomorrow but i don't want to go to bed yet. and i wish right now could be a little longer.
conversation with matt, 12:45am
chappydeac: i just met my new neighbor
grapity purple: new neighbor?
grapity purple: are you in love?
chappydeac: yeah
chappydeac: NO
grapity purple: oh
chappydeac: he'll "cook for me if i ever eat at [popular 24-hour restaurant north of campus]"
grapity purple: sorry, that's what happens when i meet my neighbors
chappydeac: right
grapity purple: please don't tell me it's fred
chappydeac: ok i won't
grapity purple: .........
grapity purple: is it?
chappydeac: grapity purple (12:45:52 AM): please don't tell me it's fred
grapity purple: fuck you
grapity purple: is it?
chappydeac: yes
grapity purple: oh my god
grapity purple: OHHHHHHHH MY GOOODDDDDDDDDDD
chappydeac: yeah
grapity purple: ::dies laughing::
grapity purple: that is so fucked UP
chappydeac: he introduced himself to me. he had no idea who i was
grapity purple: i guess it's not worth telling him you were my first boyfriend
grapity purple: i'm never coming to your house again, by the way
chappydeac: fair enough
txt / ann / 3:32pm
cds. make. tape. trade. yay.
txt / ross / 4:40pm
cds indeed
txt / ann / 4:43pm
you say that but somehow.. you just woke me from a dream about cheese enchiladas.
txt / ross / 4:46pm
mmmmmmmm cheese
txt / ann / 4:50pm
it was a very stressful dream.
txt / ross / 4:52pm
what color shirt were u wearing in the dream?
txt / ann / 4:54pm
i was naked.
txt / ross / 4:55pm
hm.
aim conversation with michael/highland coffee/8:45pm
deface the facts: it's actually pretty interesting stuff
deface the facts: unfortunately the author can't write
deface the facts: it's all the sneaky ways by which slaves attained literacy
grapity purple: ...was the author a runaway slave or something?
deface the facts: no, worse
deface the facts: a ph.d
grapity purple: nooooo
grapity purple: i puked this week!
deface the facts: ahh
deface the facts: why
grapity purple: meds
grapity purple: i think
deface the facts: for what
grapity purple: i think it was the combination of lortabs and penicillin
grapity purple: for my teeth
grapity purple: i told you about my teeth, didn't i
deface the facts: ah
deface the facts: yeah
deface the facts: ow
grapity purple: i haven't thrown up in almost three years
grapity purple: i'm not a big thrower-upper
grapity purple: when's the last time you threw up?
deface the facts: that time when i was like five and i had a stomach bug
deface the facts: and i kept eating chicken noodle soup
grapity purple: and then you kept eating the pizza
grapity purple: and throwing it up
grapity purple: no, it was fucking papa john's
deface the facts: ewww
deface the facts: i thought it was soup
grapity purple: miss norma was babysitting us
grapity purple: and we'd ordered pizza
deface the facts: hahaha, poor woman
grapity purple: you were like four
grapity purple: and you would eat a piece, we were watching a movie or something, and then you'd jump up and run to the bathroom
grapity purple: vomit, come back, grab another slice, sit down in front of the TV
deface the facts: hahahahahaha
grapity purple: i couldn't believe it. i still am terrified of throwing up
deface the facts: i was the coolest four year old on the planet
grapity purple: i learned a new trick!
[barrett]: what
[barrett]: apple~
grapity purple: no i started doing that yesterday
[barrett]: good for you
grapity purple: in word, apple y to repeat stuff
[barrett]: wow that's weird
grapity purple: why's it weird?
[barrett]: b/c i haven't seen it before
grapity purple: yay!
[barrett]: and its use would be weird
grapity purple: no
grapity purple: not when you're making a table
grapity purple: and you have to insert rows
grapity purple: like i just did
[barrett]: cool
[barrett]: just repeating a sentence you just typed has limited usability - but it's cool it records all the actions i guess
grapity purple: i don't know if it will do that
grapity purple: like repeat typing
[barrett]: yeah that's what it did
grapity purple: heh
grapity purple: that's funny
[barrett]: it just copied the last sentence i wrote
[barrett]: yeah
[barrett]: "weird"
grapity purple: right. that would really come in handy if you were doing, say, a parody of The Shining
[barrett]: for instance
[barrett]: .
on the phone with becca:
and he was like are those pineapples on your necklace and i was like no - - but you can touch them if you want to - -
- - because yeah i've got mad game
and she's laughing at me.
my favorite thing out of becca's mouth today - you know as well as i do that to break up someone else's relationship so that you can be in a relationship is the long way to do things.
to all the women who preface statements with "i'm not a feminist or anything"
and for all the men who want to knowhere's an unapology.
...................................
ann: oh fucking hell
my nemesis is here
barrett: who
ann: it's f___, my thesis advisor
barrett: ahhhh
how is ole f___ doing
that sucks to have your thesis advisor as your nemesis
ann: i don't know how he's doing, i hope never to speak to him again
every time i see him i am on the verge of panic
what a miserable experience that was
barrett: awww
ann: he probably would be nice to me if i talked to him
barrett: yeah
ann: since i'm wearing a tank top displaying a fair amount of cleavage
barrett: ahhh that's why - whatever
ann: no
that's not why
barrett: he probably would be nice anyway
ann: the sexual comments were only a bonus to the whole thing
barrett: mhm - you want f___
ann: no.
barrett: your mind is always in the bed
ann: the whole thesis thing was pretty much, like, if you looked up traumatic experience in the dictionary
it's like the dictionary definition of traumatic experience
barrett: hahah
ann: it ended with elsie m____e moderating my meetings with f___
he was so thoroughly negative
he never said one constructive thing in the whole semester
i cried through my thesis defense
it was completely humiliating
and then he told me that i looked pretty, or something
'your play is shit but look how cute you are, you got all dressed up for your defense'
barrett: weird - it sounds like he has social problems
i'm reminded of mc___ on that note
ann: mc___ was never patronizing to me
but i didn't threaten him in any way
barrett: u threatened f___?
ann: m____e said she thought f___ needed me to defer to him constantly. like, with all his suggestions, he wanted me to do exactly what he said and not question it. which wasn't even possible, since he has major problems with communication. m____e was on my committee and i was so embarrassed about crying in front of her...i apologized before class the next week and she got this mad look on her face and told me she thought he'd been abusive
barrett: yeah
ann: we didn't even get into the sex remarks....he's such a lech....i was in the M&DA building talking to my dance director, and f___ came up--this was back when we were cool--and my director was like "oh f___, did you know ann's one of my dancers" and he looked me up and down and said something about how i had the body for it
barrett: well that's nice of him
it can be taken any way i guess
ann: glad you're not a girl?
bullshit.
barrett: i've always been glad i'm not a girl
although i'm sure many people are glad they aren't guys
ann: i don't often play the angry disempowered female card, or whatever....it startles me when this kind of shit comes up.
sometimes my girlfriends get all riled up about things that i think are petty.
barrett: yeah i know
you try
ann: try what?
to get riled up?
barrett: no, not to get riled up - you seem to try not to
ann: yup.
if you had said yes i was going to be really kind of furious.
barrett: i wouldn't have cared about your fury
ann: i don't think any of my guy friends think shit ever goes down like this. because they're all basically nice guys who like women. and if it surprises me when i have these weird interactions with men, i'm sure it's totally beyond these nice boys' comprehension. still it's frustrating when they don't see it, or when they try to encourage me to see it from the guy's perspective, or something.
barrett: why is it frustrating when you are offered another perspective
as long as your original POV isn't being attacked as invalid, then there shouldn't be a problem
ann: because it's always offered like 'calm down, crazy feminist, he was just complimenting your tits, and if you didn't want him to grab your ass, why didn't you get away from him sooner?'
not to mention i am already forever considering other people's perspectives and feeling bad for getting angry and 'maybe he was just trying to be friendly'
barrett: well for the record i don't think i'd ever mind if a chick compliments my dick
ann: from some people it's a compliment
____ told me i had nice tits and i was like, cool.
f___ looking me up and down is something else.
not being able to go to a show alone without some guy trying to pick me up is really fucking lame.
barrett: some chicks like being picked up. also - it sucks that it's only a compliment if it comes from a guy you want to screw
ann: i don't mind it coming from my friends. even the ones i don't want to fuck.
barrett: yeah i know it can be uncomfortable to get hit on by people you don't like of course
ann: there are certain bars, and even certain bad nights at good bars, when i can't look up from the floor for fear of accidentally making eye contact with some random sketchy dude
who takes that as a personal invitation
it's like they're sitting around waiting to pounce
i just want to be left alone to listen to music
which is hard to enjoy when you're trying to politely disengage from a conversation with some dickhead guy telling you 'you look lonely'
barrett: hahah
i should use that line
ann: which is why the last time it happened, i was so uncomfortable and so frustrated that i finally asked the guy "look, do i know you? no? okay, well, i've got plans after this, and i won't be coming over to that party at your house. so, no. i'm done with this conversation."
at which point he told me "well fuck off then"
and i flipped him off, and he was like, "fuck you!" and i was like "FUCK YOU."
barrett: ouch
rejection is a bitch
ann: he can go to hell
i am so done with it.
i'm done with being nice or gentle. these guys do not get it. a gentle rejection is a further invitation.
so if i have to flip them off and tell them to go fuck themselves, that's fine.
barrett: damn
what a hardcore bitch!
but - i'm proud of you for not pretending to like a guy i guess
ann: i mean, you don't think it's particularly in line with my general personality to be a bitch and flip off total strangers, do you?
because i don't think it is. i'm pretty nonconfrontational. but i'm also pretty sick of the whole thing.
barrett: no you aren't generally a bitch. i think w/ practice you will find a medium b/w non-confrontation & bitch overload
ann: honestly, it's hard not to lose my temper
and if bitch overload gets these asshole guys to run the hell away from me, then i think it's a pretty efficient way of interacting
for the record, i have several acquaintances who constantly comment on my appearance, usually in graphic and totally inappropriate detail
and i just laugh it off, even if i'm uncomfortable. and maybe i shouldn't. but i know they mean it to be nice.
barrett: yeah
ann: it's totally different coming from a sleazeball guy, and you can tell right away which way it's coming from. when br___ offered to buy me a drink, i was like, of course.
he said all the usual things that a guy could say, and if he had been sleazy i would have shot him down and made fun of him to all my friends. but he wasn't sleazy, he was nice.
barrett: well - u may or may not be concerned w/ this - but your actions will cause backlash somehow
ann: backlash like?
barrett: like the way they deal w/ women later
ann: for example
barrett: well the way you treat someone will affect the way the guy approaches a woman next time, positively or negatively
maybe offer pointers for next time he approaches a woman if you're feeling really nice
ann: the guys that i'm talking about, they are basically operating on one track
it goes like this: YES. NO.
and if it's "gee, thanks, i really appreciate the offer, but you know, i'm kind of busy. maybe next time you could try not leering at me while i'm dancing with my friend"--what they hear is "blah blah blah NOT NO"
barrett: ok - i'm tired of sticking up for these idiots
ann: good.
they don't deserve you.
barrett: or you apparently
ann: nope.
i don't think i'm stuck-up, if that's what you're insinuating.
barrett: no - i'm glad you have standards
what would you do if d______ accosted you
ann: laugh in his face. but only bc it's d______.
barrett: & then
ann: if i didn't know him and he tried to hit on me at a bar, i don't know what i'd do. i think he would immediately come across as manipulative and insincere.
b____n pulled some shit on me once
it's really hard with your friends
he was making out with my neck in the middle of the street and telling me 'come on baby'
i was like, ha ha ha, please stop it, seriously.
barrett: yeah
ann: 'he's a nice guy, he was really drunk.' that's what i get for that story.
barrett: hahaha, b___y
ann: yup. b___y was basically the identical situation. and i say: he's my friend, and i can't tell him to fuck off because i just can't. that doesn't make it right and it doesn't make me feel any less uncomfortable.
barrett: i have the feeling you'd give into d______
ann: oh my god. what do you mean, give in?
have you ever known me to give in to anyone?
barrett: give in to an advance of sorts
ann: you cannot be serious
i guess the only guy who ever made an 'advance' that i 'gave in' to was ben.
i wouldn't even hook up with d______, much less 'give in' to him. that implies that the interaction would be on his terms and that i wasn't even really interested. and i don't play that game.
barrett: como estaba comida con su padre
ann: it was nice
did you use imperfect?
barrett: candle-light, wine, sensual music
ann: i probably would have used preterite. anyway.
hehe
we went to sunray in metairie
old metairie
barrett: what is the preterite then
ann: let me see
barrett: esto' ?
ann: estuvo
i would not have remembered that
anyway, there was this giant cockroach on the wall facing us
and i pointed it out to dad and we talked about cockroaches for a while
and finally, after a long time, a busser smacked it or something, and we were laughing, and the waitress asked us what was up, and we told her
and she apologized for like ten minutes
we were like, really, it's not a big deal
it's new orleans, we have giant cockroaches
but she gave us both free dessert anyway
in other news, my dad gave me this lecture about how my writing was really good and i should write daily observations and try to get it published
which is how it always goes with him, i get so uncomfortable when he tries to make me do stuff, even though he totally means well
but at least this time he was being encouraging
barrett: that's good i think
he's probably half right & you don't like hearing it from him
ann: yeah, it's the first time i can remember him telling me to my face that he liked my writing
oh yeah, he's more than half right
i don't like it when anyone tells me to write
because i know i should be
barrett: 'you should be write'
ann: writing. you know what i meant.
barrett: of course estuvo
at least when i fuck up it's in another language
ann: that's as much for my benefit
and it's not obvious
unlike 'should be write'
barrett: it's obvious that you benefit from talking to me
that's what's obvious
ann: of course
barrett: haha
ann: actually i only talk to you out of pity
ohiiiiiiooo
ohiihiihiiohoh
barrett: hiyi hiyohohhh
last saturday / in the pouring rain / taking pictures behind bud's broiler on city park ave
(A parks the car in front of a stripmall with a patio and a black spraypaint X on the brick storefront.)
B: we could take pictures on the patio until the rain dies down. is there an awning?
A: yeah. "park on premises at your own risk." jesus christ.
B: weird.
A: maybe it's because the stores are all closed?
B: no, see, that hair salon has a big banner that says "open and hiring."
A: oh. cool. well, let's go.
(A opens car door. rain rain rain. B hasn't moved.)
A: well?
B: but...i mean, do you think they really are open and hiring?
(beat)
A: i don't think it really matters. i mean, are you looking to apply for a job?
---
monday night / metairie
A: what's up?
B: i'm not sure why i called. i can't keep track. ooh, guess what i got!
A: a vibrator!
B: no. i have one of those already.
A: oh, i knew that.
B: yeah.
A: so what did you get?
B: daiquiri mix!
---
monday night / the wank / the dinner table
B: so now all the rooms are covered in sawdust. and we're going to clean up the house, but elizabeth didn't bring any gross clothes from boston, obviously, and i just got rid of all my gross clothes. but ben left a basket of his clothes for me to sell if i could, but they're all pieces of shit, because he was doing construction in them. so we cut off the shirts and made bandannas and i had on these nike soccer shorts that were all cut up the sides, they were, like, well-ventilated. so we're walking down the street--
E: wait, tell them what i told you.
B: oh yeah, before we left--we were going to walk down to get a snowball--and i was in the bathroom trying to fix my hair, and elizabeth's like--
E: don't worry, honey, you look so nasty no one's gonna wanna fuck you.
B: so then we're walking down the street and this mexican guy is walking toward us, and he starts, you know, hey baby, what's your name...and i'm like fuck off! but he keeps talking! and we look disgusting! and we pass him, and he's still talking, what's your name baby, what's your name, and finally elizabeth turns around and yells TACO!
---
A: fpoon.
E: thpoon.
B: oh my god. say it again! fpoon.
E: thp...thpoon.
(everyone dying laughing)
E: i don't know what you're saying!
---
A: so i'll plobably see you tomorrow.
B: not plobably. actily.
---
tuesday night / uptown / becca's new apartment
A: so i told him about my epiphany and he said he thought it was about fat people on a diet. ...so then we looked it up on the ninnernet.
Br: you could plobably find it there.
Be: not plobably....
All Four of Us: actily!
A: and you know what it means? ....you can't have the bost of best worlds.
---
four girls, fortress, a few more days. and then scatter, another years and years until we are all together.
i finish the song, turn around, look at them, they look at me expectantly, smiling, they say let's do that one again.
barrett: so what are you doing now
ann: lying in bed
still
did you read the henry miller?
barrett: yes i did.
ann: some of that shit sounded like your mom jokes
barrett: it seemed a little gimmicky but i'm sure was quite hardcore
for the 30s
yeah
i still like joyce's women: "all full up"
ann: "he feels something, does he....HE FEELS THE REMNANTS OF MY BIG PRICK....BIOOOOTCH"
barrett: it's sexier than putting toads in there.
ann: joyce is way dirtier
and way hotter
barrett: yeah
but "stay[ing] fucked" is cool
ann: yeah i like that line a lot
also "i shoot hot bolts into you...i make your ovaries incandescent"
which is not hot but very funny
ann: am i an idiot?
mom: no. you are not an idiot. you know lynn in my office, she once killed a car because she hadn't gotten the oil changed in, i don't know, eight months or a year or something. no, actually, she had never gotten the oil changed. and her husband glenn killed a car the same way.
ann: actually becca hebert went something like eight months without changing her oil once.
mom: and you know, the difference between lynn and glenn, and you and me and dr. hebert, is that--
ann: --what does my orthodontist have to do with this?
mom: didn't you say dr. hebert?
ann: no. becca hebert.
mom: oh. well. the difference is that lynn and glenn have the money to buy a new car if they kill the old one. and you and i have to know how to take care of the stuff we already have.
ann: yeah. i thought you'd come up with a new expression...you know, "just between you and me and dr. hebert..."
.
mom: the three things i know about my car are how to check the oil, how to put air in my tires, and how to put water in the radiator. and even then, you know, i have a slow leak in one of my tires, and on the way back from gulf shores i stopped at a service station to put air in it, and i didn't know it but i was using the water thing instead of the air thing.
ann: so you put water in your tires?
mom: well, no, that would be physically impossible, because air is coming out. but then i didn't understand why my tire was deflating. so i drove home like that, a nervous wreck, and then fran showed me again how to do it, and i thought for sure this time i knew. and i went to another service station a week or two later and i did it again with the water thing. the guy came out, he said he understood how i could confuse the two--he was very sweet. then i called fran and cried.
.
becca: no, it wasn't because he was nice. you got it for free because of your boobies.
ann: i know. i didn't want to say it.
breton: you guys! that never happens to me.
ann: oh, bullshit.
breton: i've never gotten stuff for free.
ann: remember when the oil change guy gave me a discount "just because"--who was i with?
breton: me.
ann: and i asked why and he said "because next time i want a baked potato from wendy's." and we brought him a baked potato, and all the guys at the car place gave him a hard time, and he asked for my number, and i was like "um, um, i have a boyfriend" and he was like "well does your boyfriend know you're bringing other guys baked potatoes" all mad. and then jesse got mad at me too! it wasn't sex!
becca: nope.
ann: i mean, it wasn't even an approximation of sex!
becca: no. it was a baked potato. a baked potato is not sex. the opposite of sex is a baked potato.
.
becca: and at the end of class we did an om circle. have you done one of those yet?
breton: no.
becca: everyone does the om at their own pace, on their own breath, and you can hear it going around the room. it's really nice. it's like om in a round.
ann: om, om, om your boat...(stops and looks around in horror, slaps her own wrists.)
late sunday afternoon / driving in from orange beach / passing the vieux carre exit
breton: someone pointed out to me a few weeks ago that we say 'view car-ray' but then we say 'bonnie carrie spillway.'
ann: well, in the mardi gras mambo they say both 'new orlins' and 'new orleens'--what do you think about that?
breton: yeah, but that's so it'll rhyme. that's the reason.
(big pause.)
becca: ..........whereas with bonnet carre there's no rhyme OR reason.
Outgoing: September 26, 2006 3:30:24 PM CDT
hi guys
i'll have a draft for you at the end of the day, though it may be after
5, because steve and i still have to coordinate our sections of the
proposal and lynne needs to read over it.
1) how do you want to cover insurance in the budget? is it a percentage
of the total cost to bb overall?
from jan:
Liability insurance total $4250.40
Vehicle policy total- $22,300
2) any update on the past TANF stats?
"Our Teen Pregnancy Prevention program has been funded by TANF. We have
exceeded our target attendance by ___%. We also have After School for
All program funded by TANF. We have exceeded our attendance goals by
____% and participant satisfaction goals in this program as well."
so the plan is to send you the draft this afternoon, get notes from you
tomorrow morning, make the final changes and email it back to you so
you can print/assemble/deliver to DSS tomorrow for 4:30.
how's it going over there?
--ann
...............
Incoming: September 26, 2006 3:35:16 PM CDT
It's going well. I napped most of the day. Played nine holes of golf.
And took a nice long lunch at Juban's.
Thanks for all your hard work!
...............
Outgoing: September 26, 2006 3:44:38 PM CDT
hahahilarious!
.................
.................
so i just sent off a 6500-word grant proposal that i put together in two days. i'm still coming down from the adrenaline. steve went to rue this morning to get me a roast beef sandwich so i wouldn't breakfast on my mother's supply of brownies for the office. you should see this pan of brownies she made. she left them on the counter yesterday morning with a note: "Peanut - brownies for your office!" and i'm thinking jesus, she has no idea how small our office is. we don't have any utensils in the office, so we've cut the brownies with (1) a binder clip, (2) a paper clip, (3) steve's business cards. the latter was lynne's idea. i laughed at her when she tried it but it worked better than the other office supplies.
yesterday becca had asked me to meet her for lunch and i told her i had a crazyshort deadline and i'd be pretty much a big ball of stress until wednesday afternoon, so there was no way i could take thirty minutes for lunch. in fact i ended up not eating lunch. so when she texted me yesterday at quarter to three, i ignored it, and when she called me immediately after, i ignored it, and when she kept calling over and over i got mad and finally picked up, but i couldn't hear her. so i checked my text messages and she had written: Come downstairs. Like right now. K?
so i stomp downstairs all pissed off because she knows how busy and stressed i am--
and she waves at me through the window--
and she's holding a snowball.
mango-flavored, from plum street.
she says i know you're busy, i thought you might need a snowball.
i'm reeling a little, probably from the rush of blood to my head, since i haven't gotten up from my desk in hours. i tell her i haven't eaten lunch.
she says, well, this might make you die then, but. you know.
and i give her a kiss and eat a bite of snowball, and she waves at me and says see you tonight.
so. i have the best friends ever.
.............
.............
and i just got off the phone with the director of big buddy. i sent them the grant at ten to 3; they had until 4:30 to print and assemble ten copies (plus original) and deliver it downtown in baton rouge. i called them at 5 to check in and neither the executive director nor the project director answered their cellphones. so i've been nervous and waiting for gay to call me back. i picked up on the first ring and said "tell me some good news" and she said ".....we didn't make it in."
i said "are you serious?" and she said "HAHAHAHAHA NO JUST KIDDING IT WAS FINE" and then we chit-chatted for a while about how they parked in front of the wrong building and had to race down the block with eleven copies of a fifty-page document--she said she thought of me while they were running--referring to the grant we turned in to the workforce investment board last november--right under the wire--she was running in heels and waving away oncoming traffic--my legs were like jelly.
my heart was still pounding when i hung up the phone.
txt / ross / 8:09am
an order just came in for a waffle and sausage for ann, i secretly wanted it to be u
txt / ann / 11:06am
it was me! i put my order in telepathically and ate it in my dreams
txt / ross / 11:56am
hooray for lucid breakfast!
christmas eve was sort of a disaster, as was christmas day.
except michael slept over christmas eve night, and we played the piano and watched my cousin vinny and ate leftover casa maria soft tacos.
before the soft tacos i ask him if he wants to split an apple as a snack. it's a pink lady apple. he's sitting at the piano. i hand the apple to him so he can see how pink it is, then go behind the kitchen counter to get a knife to cut the apple. when i come back to the piano, i see that he's already taken an enormous bite.
"michael," i say, dismayed. "i was going to cut the apple so we could split it."
he hands the apple to me sheepishly. "that's not how we split apples in prudhomme."
.
first day of the new year back in the office, i'm wiping down the dry-erase calendar next to tara's desk and she's laughing.
"what," i say.
she says, "i'm at this website and they just gave me a password to login, and the password they gave me is yellowpony9."
.
we have two dry-erase monthly calendars in the office, and as each month concludes it is my task to wipe down the old calendar and write out the new month. at the end of november, i wiped down the november calendar and wrote out the january calendar, and at the top i wrote JANUARY 2007!!!
so this morning i wipe down the december calendar and write out the month of february. at the top i write FEBRUARY 2007!!!
"don't put those," steve interjects as i marker in the final exclamation point. "you put those for january."
"well, i'm excited."
"but we were excited about january. this is for february."
"but i'm excited right now, and i'm writing how i feel in the moment."
"i think you should put FEBRUARY dot dot dot."
tara looks up from her computer. "help," she says, to no one in particular.
she picks up the phone and speaks into the receiver. "help, help."
ann: also, any clue why my system icons have changed randomly?
barrett: have you installed something recently?
ann: yeah
barrett: what program (please say porn finder)
ann: PornLocaterPro v2.6
ann: beta
barrett: ha! you're using the beta version - that's the problem
barrett: just go back to 2.3 & it's stable
i checked my typepad visitor stats this afternoon. there were a few google blogsearch hits, per usual (i would love to know who you are, Person Googling Me On Blogsearch), and a few google hits for random phrases like "brown chicken brown cow." there was also a hit from someone googling my first and last name.
and i thought, oh crap.
i'm trying to move back to baton rouge full-time. i've decided that my current nola/BR schedule is not working for me. the back-and-forth thing is mind-numbing. my social obligations have doubled (two cities with friends and family to visit) while my time to fulfill them is halved (only three days in nola to see everyone, only four days in baton rouge). then there's the whole new relationship thing. i end up with virtually no time to myself - until i find myself sitting on the sofa at my mom's house or under the covers at my BR apartment, unwilling to answer the phone or do much of anything besides checking the same three websites over and over again or staring at the walls. at this point reading only makes me want to sleep. reading is something i used to do in my downtime - i more or less scheduled reading self-dates to highland around work/social stuff. lately i only read on my lunch breaks in new orleans or right before bed if i can keep my head up. this makes me unhappy. (also i've hated the past few books i read. i've got a good one now, though. i kind of want to bathe in robinson's prose. all the time.)
anyway, breton emailed me from paris on her newly-functioning laptop and asked for an update. i told her my reasons for wanting to live and work in baton rouge:
if i were in baton rouge full-time, i would
a) take more dance classes
b) read more
c) hopefully write a damn short story or something
d) study for the GRE
e) take the GRE
f) start researching grad schools
g) figure out spain
h) have a way more relaxed social life
i) not feel like i have to spend every spare second with my boyfriend because i'm always gone for half the week
in general i think it will be a vast improvement in my quality of life. i think i will be significantly more productive in terms of figuring out the next step. The Next Step. the way things are right now, i feel like a hamster in a wheel.
so on monday i sent out four resumes - three to the LSU library and one to LSU Press. the library was actually advertising for positions; LSU Press was just a cold call. i think i would really enjoy working at both places. i'm drawn to on-campus positions, both because the location is incredibly convenient and because working in an academic environment is vastly more appealing to me than working pretty much anywhere else. i've had a lifelong love affair with libraries, of course, though not so much with librarians. librarians did not seem to have a cool or interesting job. mostly they seemed to shelve books. i didn't understand the appeal until my senior year at lsmsa, when i did my civics research paper on censorship and learned about the ALA's manifesto-of-sorts advocating intellectual freedom. now librarians are pretty much my heroes. i don't think i would go to grad school for library science but libraries still make my heart swell a little bit. when i do grant prospecting for the BR city-parish, my favorite grants to send out are the library ones. of course, the EBRP library contact is the coolest of all the grant liaisons. she's the only one who ever writes back to let me know if they're following up and how their grant stuff is going.
anyway. and a job at LSU Press, though a long shot, would be awesome, since it would help me get a sense of how publishing works. i don't suppose i need to explain why learning about the publishing industry would appeal to an english major.
so. the google hit for my name reminded me of the whole employers-google-their-prospective-employees issue. at the moment, this blog is the first thing that comes up if you google me. this displeases me. it was not always the case, though. the main culprit is my facebook badge, which i removed this afternoon along with a mention of my full name in an october 2005 post.
here's the email i sent a few weeks ago to a facebook higher-up, regarding badges, upon receiving a dissatisfactory response on the same topic from a "customer service representative":
subject: because you seem like a smart guy and the responses i get from customer support often border on asinine
hi james,
forgive me for this random facebook message, but for the past few months, every time i shoot a question or suggestion to customer support, the responses i get totally miss the point.
here's my question, if you have time to answer it, or if you could direct me to someone who could give me a good response:
i like the fact that i can put my facebook badge on my blog. however, i also like my blog to be a little bit under the google radar. i noticed that i got a blog hit from someone googling my first and last name, and when i did a google search on myself i realized that it was picking up my name from the facebook badge.
so i took my name off the badge and figured that would keep google from finding me.
however, the badge image is entitled "ann g____'s facebook profile" - at least this is what pops up when you mouse over it. and that's what google is reading. now when you google my name, my blog is the first thing that pops up, with "ann g___'s facebook profile" (the badge image title) being the key words found in the search.
is there any way to get around this so that i can keep my badge on the blog without it making me so easy to find to google? it seems like the point of making your name a removable item on your facebook badge is so that you can modify the amount of personal information being posted in the badge. the fact that the badge title is automatically generated with your first and last name undermines this privacy setting.
here's what the customer support person said:
"Your name will only be picked up if you post your badge in a public place. If you do not want your name to come up in a google search, please resist from placing your badge in a
public site. Your name will not be found on searches if you remain within facebook."-- your name only comes up if you post your badge in a public place? well, isn't the badge meant to be posted in a public place? why give us the option of removing our name from the badge if it's going to be on there no matter what we do? is there any way facebook could change the way the badge titles are generated so they're not so explicit?
thanks,
ann
i never got a response back, which is not surprising. but i am pretty bummed about taking down my profile badge. it makes me uncomfortable that my blog is the first thing that comes up about me, though. i suppose of all the things that come up about me on google, this site is the most accurate representation, but still. it doesn't bug me that my current employers or coworkers can find it; they know i have it and that i've written silly things about them but i don't think they would be disturbed or shocked by any of the site content. and it doesn't bother me (too much) that my family can find it - even though i have written some sad or angry things about them - because i have written honestly about what i've thought or felt, and i always try to be fair in portraying them. basically it's nothing i wouldn't say to their faces if we were the sort of people that said things to each other's faces. but we're not. and a lot of what i write is because these conversations will never happen. even though i've tried. and it helps to put it down. so.
i guess what bothers me about this blog featuring so prominently in my google results is that it's personal. i don't totally spill my guts on here. there are some things i won't write about, and that's what my other journal is for. but honestly the other journal doesn't get much use unless i'm traveling. this site is the primary record of what goes on. and i suppose it doesn't bother me much if you google me and dig for a while and you find this website as hit #43. if you're so interested in me that you looked through four pages of mostly irrelevant google hits, then i don't really have a problem with you reading my blog. in fact i think you probably deserve to. i just don't think it should be so number-one-google-hit easy.
.
since monday i have felt tired and intensely antisocial. 'intensely' might me make sound more pathological than i actually feel. but relative to how i normally feel, at any rate, it's a strong inclination. i skipped ballet tuesday and blamed the weather. i don't remember what i did instead. oh, i wrote a 34k email to breton and then i sat on the sofa and stared at the walls for a while. then mom came home and i had an unsettling conversation with her about relationships (e.g., "well, i don't know, fran and i are just so accommodating of each other..."). marcia pointed out two weeks ago that maybe my mother is not the best barometer for me in terms of relationships. i hate the thought of not talking to her about how it's going and the challenge del dia - but the last few times i talked to her, i had this terrible sinking backsliding sensation, like maybe i am actually crazy and she's right. marcia said i would be better off talking to my girlfriends, and i told becca and (i think) breton that, because i knew they would love it, and they did. i guess i'll eventually figure out how to share this sort of stuff with my mom again.
post-mom talk, i worked on the graph for brett's scarf, which i somehow have not yet mustered up the patience/energy to finish. it's partly because i always lose momentum for the detail work - and i hate hand-stitching - and partly because i really don't know how i'm going to make it look good and i'll probably have to rip it a million times and that is so frustrating. but it's cold right now and i want him to wear it. it's a beautiful scarf. i'm really pleased with how it came out.
wednesday i sat on the sofa after work and watched two hours of top chef, then drove to baton rouge and the spanish moon for the f.weav/trrr acoustic show. mostly i wanted to stand by the wall and not talk to anyone. it was okay. i was really tired.
today i worked and slept a lot and missed ballet again. i blamed the weather and the tired. i've been good lately about going and it makes me so cranky when i'm out of class. next week will be better. if a miracle occurs i might take class saturday morning. but those classes are sort of hit-or-miss.
so i woke up from my two-and-a-half-hour nap and thought about the people i haven't talked to in too long. all i want to do is not talk to anyone. i brought my book to casa maria and read, then went to barnes and noble to look up spain stuff.
i suspect that my fatigue and disinterest in socializing is a direct result of or reaction against this weekend's burst of activity. i auditioned for a show at the little theatre. i didn't make it. here's what i wrote to breton about it:
i auditioned for a play in baton rouge.
'the pajama game' at the little theatre. it was choreographed by bob fosse, there's a really famous dance number in it, and the two female leads are altos.
i auditioned because it's time for me to start doing the things i like to do again. and it also means i would have to get a job in baton rouge for the semester...
so the audition was this past weekend and i had decided to do it because it would basically force me to look for jobs in baton rouge.
but i also knew that for the first few weeks of rehearsal i'd still be working half the week in new orleans and i'd have to drive in every night.
on audition forms for musicals, they ask you if you're willing to play any role, including chorus, or if you will only play certain parts.
i think it's poor form to say you'll only play a certain part, because it looks like you don't have team spirit and that you don't love theatre for the sake of theatre.
however, given my schedule, it wasn't worth it to me to drive in to baton rouge every night for a chorus role.
so i put (for the first time ever) that i'd only take the two female leads.for the first time since my first musical audition in 8th grade, i didn't make the show.
i was sad for a day even though i decided beforehand that it would be good either way.
and it was, because i'd done all this work to find jobs in baton rouge and it was clear to me that making the move back was what i wanted to do.
so i wrote four cover letters (three to the LSU library and one cold call to LSU press) and sent them off with my resumes yesterday.
i told brett in the car yesterday morning, on the drive back to BR, that for a while i've been worried, or wondering, about how i think i'm an ambitious or driven person but i'm also scared a lot, and how much is that going to hold me back. and now i know that the ambitious part is ultimately more powerful than the scared. because i'm ready for a change.
i always said i wasn't ready yet but i would be eventually. but i didn't know if i really believed it.
today i told lynne i was looking for work in baton rouge and tomorrow we're going to figure out how to transition me out of this job.
so now that i feel settled in my desire and decision to move to baton rouge, the other pieces are falling into place. i have a timeframe, short-term goals, long-term goals, and a plan of action. i start to think too hard into the details of things (what if i hate spain; how will i ever leave the people here that i love; will my parents buy my car to give to michael when he starts college and i need to get that passenger-side dent repaired; grad school, holy christ, how will i ever scrounge up a decent enough portfolio to send to a grad school) and my chest seizes up but then i back off it. if i keep looking at the big picture, which is broad and blurry but there, i feel better.
at the same time this was such a huge step to take - professionally it's kind of a risk, if i can't find a not-shitty job, and also pretty much any job i'll find will involve an annual paycut of 2 or 3K - but mostly it's a big step forward for my head. i think it wore me out a little. and i'm also anxious about the letters i sent out and whether or not i'll hear back from anyone. but that's okay. i have confidence that i'm doing the right thing and moving in a good direction. forward is good.
breton wrote back:
...i sat down to my WORKING computer and there was a 34 k email from
you.life is very good, in other words.
and i am so fucking proud of you, Ann!
i was starting to get worried... like really worried.
but there you are again.
i see you!
to hear about everything that you have done in the last week was good for my
soul.i was concerned about sending you that link [about spain] because i didn't want you to
feel like i was pushing you. cause i feel like maybe everyone is pushing you
around... i don't know.
it's hard being the best friend when you feel like your best friend is lost.
and when being there physically is impossible because there is an ocean
between you.
and being there in support is impossible because of a 7 hour time distance,
a broken computer and a crazy work schedule.but all of a sudden!
you're motivated and driven and ANN again!!!!!!
you're found!
i am so proud of you for auditioning for that piece and not taking a chorus
position that would stress you out.
i am so proud of you for realizing that driving to new orleans is making you
crazy and unproductive and stressed out and so now you are applying for real
jobs and you are getting everything together so that you can move on.
and this is what i was worried about the whole time.
i think that you are the most talented, incredible person that i know.
and i think that you are the biggest most beautiful goldfish in the dankest
most boring swamp.
and that you could swim better almost anywhere.
but i was worried that maybe you needed to be in the swamp always.
after all, the catfish and the alligators would never have the opportunity
to meet a fish like you other wise.but i am so glad that you are motivated again.
about something.
about grad school.
about dance.
about spain.and chris is back with the pastries so i have to go.
lovelovelove.
b
p.s. sorry about the fish analogy. got carried away. too many children's
books lately.
the spain thing is funny. funny is about the least accurate word i can think of to describe how i feel about it, but i don't feel like trying to find a better one. i want to live abroad for a while because i know it would be amazing and also the hardest thing i will ever have done in my entire life. i think doing hard things is good for me. i didn't apply to grad school straight out of undergrad because i was scared of not being in school and i didn't have any confidence in my ability to get a job of any sort, much less a real grown-up job in my field. i thought it was important to confront these things rather than hide away in academia. i miss school so much but i've always known i would go back and now i also know that i can be a real person with a real job. the spain thing is similar. it has a lot to do with fear and the difficulty i have imagining myself achieving any sort of major goal - it seems impossible. i have very little confidence in myself. it's weird - i have confidence that i can survive in spain but not that i can do the things i have to do to get there. it's the same with grad school. i know i will love grad school but i literally can't imagine picking one and having a good portfolio and getting in.
anyway, i think spain will give me a lot of confidence. and i know i'm a smart girl. and i don't think breton is kidding or being insincerely flattering when she says she thinks i'm talented and amazing. i think i'm pretty talented and amazing too. i just...i don't know, i guess i half-think it and half-doubt my every ability. i believe that if i had any sort of confidence i'd be unstoppable. (if.)
so i've been talking about moving to spain for two and a half years now, and though i have tried to explain it to them, few of my friends or family members understand why i want to go and/or why i haven't gone yet. breton is the only one, i think, who has any faith in my going, and even that seemed to have faded by the time she came back for christmas. it bothers the shit out of me that no one believes i'm going. it pisses me off in that stomachache way but it only makes me more stubborn, i suppose. not that i have to prove anything to them. but i sort of do. last night at the moon, i was talking to josh and ravi about applying for jobs in baton rouge and how it will free up time for me to take the GRE and work on grad school stuff. i deliberately didn't mention spain, but they both said, "so no spain then, huh" in this way that sounded like i was only confirming what they already thought, that i wasn't really ever going. and i told them that actually breton had sent me a link to the government grant program for teaching assistants in spain. the application for next year isn't up yet but i have a sense of the schedule and the requirements and it dovetails nicely with what i already had planned. so.
i went to barnes and noble to look up the regions for TA positions in the spain program. you get to pick your top three. i ended up buying a book (which i've already read parts of, in past research attempts) on living abroad in spain. i also browsed the (ever-addictive) writing reference section, which is next to all the journals, and there was a little black moleskin address book with the alphabet stamped into the cover, like this:
A B C D E F G
H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T
U V W X Y Z
except it's formatted so it's a nice square. i liked the look of it, and i was thinking about breton's old ridiculous leopard-print address book and how when you travel a lot and can't always have your cellphone or internet access, it's probably good to have an address book. and i'm a firm believer in backing up cellphonebooks anyway. i hate the way i rely on the phonebook instead of memorizing important phone numbers. i don't think it's safe. blah blah blah, basically i'm justifying an impulse buy, but the impulse was related to wanting to travel and imagining myself leaving, so i think it's a good thing.
so i picked up the little notebook and was rubbing dust off the cover and i could feel that the price sticker on the back was rolling up at the corners. i flipped the notebook over and the sticker said ADD BK SOFT COVER BL $5.95 and it also said 07655227999 and it also said Made in Spain.
i just went upstairs to the CC's at middleton. the line was about six people deep but moving fast - the CC's baristas, maybe four or five of them, were really hustling. one guy came to my end of the line to ask if he could start a food order for anyone. i told him i wanted a muffin but i didn't figure that counted as a food order - and he smiled and said no, he was only doing the stuff that needed to be grilled. i said yeah, i don't need you to grill my cranberry muffin. he said sometimes he warms muffins for people but not on the sandwich press - although actually one guy asked him to grill his muffin - and we stood there contemplating a hot flattened cranberry muffin -
then the girl who started my drink order said they were out of blackberry sage - my favorite - so i got ginger peach iced tea instead. and then the guy at the register asked me what i wanted, and i told him about the tall iced tea and also i wanted a cranberry muffin.
he leaned forward. "what size tea?"
over the whirring of the coffee machines and blenders i said, "tall."
"and i'm sorry, what else?"
"cranberry muffin."
he furrowed his brow. "have you told anyone else about the muffin?"
"no," i said. "is it a secret?"
"what?"
"is the muffin a secret?"
he paused. "it's just so that we don't have a double order" but i was already laughing and he was grinning. and one by one, the rest of the baristas - without breaking stride - were giggling too.
.
if we were married i would knit you a sweater. it would look hand-made - a little bit lumpy or crooked or stretched out in funny places. it would be dark colors and imperfect and it would take months of work and care. you should have a sweater like this. you would wear it all the time. i hope one day someone makes this sweater for you.
they're testing the fire alarm this morning
all morning
i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown
also i am a little bit hungover
i never told you about my thing with fire drills
i used to cry and since i was the littlest one in the class the teacher would hold my hand or put me in her lap
this was first grade
at the end of the year, haley told me she hoped in second grade i wouldn't be the teacher's pet, because when the teacher held me on her lap it hurt her heart.
i couldn't help the crying though. fire drills were scary.
we had one scheduled for yesterday morning at 10:30
and at 9:45 i got all tense and waiting
like what if they said 10:30 but they were going to surprise us
and at 10:30 nothing happened
then marsha came through saying "oh! fire drill, ya'll" because we couldn't hear the alarm in the basement of the library.
.
you looked pretty with all your band-aids
what's pretty about band-aids?
nothing in particular
.
mvg 4/4/1989
birthday video from dad
Apr 22, 2007 12:08pm / mass email from colleen to the extended family
Hi Everyone,
I hope you are all doing great!
Congratulations, Uncle Tim! That's really cool that you were in the NY Times.
Just wanted to let you all know I am hosting a Pampered Chef Party April 28th at 11:30 am. You are all invited...please try to come! So far Aunt Gerry, Mimi, and Aunt BZ and Ms Jeanette are coming. There will be champagne and brunch, door prizes, and a chance to check out some neat kitchen appliances.
The party will be at Mike's house since my apartment is too small. His address is _________..it's off of Bluebonnet in the ______ subdivision, between Burbank and Nicholson.
Call/e-mail me if you have any questions, or if you want to order any products. I'm sorry if I forgot to include anyone in this e-mail...anyone is welcome to come... please spread the word.
Thanks! Hope to see ya'll soon.
Colleen
----
Apr 22, 2007 12:38pm
Colleen,
Make sure you have toast tongs for my mother - she lost these in Katrina. These are the tongs she uses to get the toast out of the toaster (after someone has put the toast in the toaster and pushed the lever down for her)- this prevents her from burning her fingers - All kidding aside, this is her favorite kitchen utensil!!
Jimmy
---
Apr 22, 2007 4:29pm
Jimmy,
I thought about this as soon as I knew Colleen was having this party.
Shannon
---
Apr 22, 2007 7:44pm
aunt shannon,
is there a story here? (silly question, i know)
do tell
ann
---
Apr 23, 2007 6:41am
Ann,
Only that Aunt BZ is unable to do anything in the kitchen and avoids it like the plague. Miss Jeanette always cooked for her family, otherwise they would have starved. Aunt BZ is the least domestic person I know. After the hurricane Jimmy took her and Uncle Larry to a fair and Pampered Chef was there. Aunt BZ made Jimmy stop so she could speak to the person at the booth. With all the incredible products Pampered Chef has, the one that Aunt BZ loves is the tongs to remove the toast. They are the only things she would possibly use. And that is why Jimmy said “after someone has put the toast in the toaster and pushes down the lever”. Jimmy always said that the only reason the house they lived in had a kitchen is because it came with one.
Aunt Shannon
dinner 5/9/07
four spaghetti squash pancakes, two pan-fried tilapia fillets, two nightcrawler CDs, one english final paper, a half-glass of white wine
.
google chat 5/10/07
terrorofthesea: i need yo card
this google doc is mutata-formatting my shits
ann: if you email it to me we can reformat it
i honestly don't know if i have money on the card
terrorofthesea: word girl
i could just give someone up here tree fitty or something
ann: it's only five cents a page, dork
in the meantime, email me the google doc
terrorofthesea: should i just copy paste it?
ann: into a google doc? yes
terrorofthesea: check your mail
ann: k
got it
terrorofthesea: sweet
ann: title?
terrorofthesea: not yet
not finished
ann: i've got it formatted
terrorofthesea: you're awesome
i love you
not just for the formatting
also for the spaghetti squash
ann: i love you back
my sweater smells like onions