traveling swallowing dramamine

First Attempt

so jakie just got a livejournal, and i've always kinda wanted one, but squelched the urge to start one by telling myself that it was lame. and maybe it is kinda lame, but my new year's resolution for the past, oh, three years has been to keep a journal, and i never do, so...we'll see how consistent i can be with this thing.

and we'll see if i have the balls to make it public. i think it was in junior high that someone, a teacher probably, said that...what did she say...something like "it's really lame to write stuff and hide it under a mattress." or maybe that was my mom saying that i shouldn't write mean notes about other people, because anything you write down will probably be read, and probably by the person you don't want to read it. which is probably true. but i digress.

anyway, i went with TypePad because there's this really cool chick who runs (ran?) a website (dollarshort.org)--or a weblog, i guess i should say--anyway, it's a cool site, and i always liked the look of it. and she and her husband started this whole TypePad blog thing powered by Movable Type, which is what she used on her site, so yeah. and it doesn't have the obnoxious "Current Mood: ______" thing that livejournal has. i find that so irritating. i think that's the number one reason i didn't go with livejournal. i won't feel compelled to write something like "Current Mood: Dreamy."

grotesquely sleep-deprived

from "Beautiful Grade" (Birds of America) by Lorrie Moore:

Bill believes in free speech. He believes in expensive speech. He doesn't believe in shouting "Fire" in a crowded movie theater, but he does believe in shouting "Fie!" and has done it twice himself--both times at Forrest Gump.

so last night i did a google search on myself (stop making that mean face--i was trying to make sure i hadn't made this bloggy thing public--seriously, stop laughing) and this page came up. apparently, my name was engraved on a microchip that was sent into outerspace. i have no idea how this happened, or why. all i know is that my name is on its way to meet up with some comet or something, and it will be in space forever, along with 999,999 other names.

i find this totally bizarre.

tonight michael and i were discussing the difficulties of choosing member names and titles for online identity stuff. i picked "annietoes" for this site because the form i had to fill out suggested choosing a nickname, and this guy joel (for whom i pined in 6th/7th grade--and who dated my busty cousin instead of me--bastard!) used to call me annietoes, which i found a bit strange but oddly endearing.

and "how now brown cow" was just out of desperation.

today was the first day of class at LSU. my classes are going to be badass, but hard. really, really, really. i have over twenty books to buy tomorrow. that's what i get for taking nothing but upper-level literature classes.

i realized this week that i will have class with my ex-boyfriend every single day this semester. we didn't schedule like that intentionally. it just happened. we're on good terms, but still--that kinda sucks. thank god he was home for the break and i could pretend for three weeks that he didn't exist. it's been three months since we broke up--after dating for nearly two years--and i suppose i'm doing well considering, but...i don't know. things would be so much easier if he were unattractive. fortunately, i have other friends in those classes. in fact, i have friends in all my classes. it's pretty exciting.

yeah, my life is one big party.

blame it on barrett.

oh dance with me
oh don't be shy
oh kiss me cunt
oh kiss me cock

oh kiss the world
oh kiss the sky
oh kiss my ass
oh let it rock

oh the pixies, oh oh oh. like they weren't even trying. yes, voodoo was fun.

i did manage to catch a nap during the sonic youth set. in the middle of all that long-winded distortion feedback bullshit, i lay down on my beach towel and fell asleep.

got into a fight with my mother today, more on that later if i feel like it.

for the first time ever, this blog is getting hits off of google searches. recent google searches that turned up this site:

izzo's illegal burrito
boring old bulky brown shoes
Baton rouge louie's fred
dragnet theme music
Hostel Dhoula

this is funny, i think, but also a little scary. now, if you type in my full name, this site is the first thing that comes up.

what if someone starts stalking me? and by someone i mean my parents.

okay, time for linguistics take-home midterm and to write my ass off. essay for jim tuesday, short story thursday. at least i know what the story's about this time.

hello, potential employers

i checked my typepad visitor stats this afternoon. there were a few google blogsearch hits, per usual (i would love to know who you are, Person Googling Me On Blogsearch), and a few google hits for random phrases like "brown chicken brown cow." there was also a hit from someone googling my first and last name.

and i thought, oh crap.

i'm trying to move back to baton rouge full-time. i've decided that my current nola/BR schedule is not working for me. the back-and-forth thing is mind-numbing. my social obligations have doubled (two cities with friends and family to visit) while my time to fulfill them is halved (only three days in nola to see everyone, only four days in baton rouge). then there's the whole new relationship thing. i end up with virtually no time to myself - until i find myself sitting on the sofa at my mom's house or under the covers at my BR apartment, unwilling to answer the phone or do much of anything besides checking the same three websites over and over again or staring at the walls. at this point reading only makes me want to sleep. reading is something i used to do in my downtime - i more or less scheduled reading self-dates to highland around work/social stuff. lately i only read on my lunch breaks in new orleans or right before bed if i can keep my head up. this makes me unhappy. (also i've hated the past few books i read. i've got a good one now, though. i kind of want to bathe in robinson's prose. all the time.)

anyway, breton emailed me from paris on her newly-functioning laptop and asked for an update. i told her my reasons for wanting to live and work in baton rouge:

if i were in baton rouge full-time, i would
a) take more dance classes
b) read more
c) hopefully write a damn short story or something
d) study for the GRE
e) take the GRE
f) start researching grad schools
g) figure out spain
h) have a way more relaxed social life
i) not feel like i have to spend every spare second with my boyfriend because i'm always gone for half the week

in general i think it will be a vast improvement in my quality of life. i think i will be significantly more productive in terms of figuring out the next step. The Next Step. the way things are right now, i feel like a hamster in a wheel.

so on monday i sent out four resumes - three to the LSU library and one to LSU Press. the library was actually advertising for positions; LSU Press was just a cold call. i think i would really enjoy working at both places. i'm drawn to on-campus positions, both because the location is incredibly convenient and because working in an academic environment is vastly more appealing to me than working pretty much anywhere else. i've had a lifelong love affair with libraries, of course, though not so much with librarians. librarians did not seem to have a cool or interesting job. mostly they seemed to shelve books. i didn't understand the appeal until my senior year at lsmsa, when i did my civics research paper on censorship and learned about the ALA's manifesto-of-sorts advocating intellectual freedom. now librarians are pretty much my heroes. i don't think i would go to grad school for library science but libraries still make my heart swell a little bit. when i do grant prospecting for the BR city-parish, my favorite grants to send out are the library ones. of course, the EBRP library contact is the coolest of all the grant liaisons. she's the only one who ever writes back to let me know if they're following up and how their grant stuff is going.

anyway. and a job at LSU Press, though a long shot, would be awesome, since it would help me get a sense of how publishing works. i don't suppose i need to explain why learning about the publishing industry would appeal to an english major.

so. the google hit for my name reminded me of the whole employers-google-their-prospective-employees issue. at the moment, this blog is the first thing that comes up if you google me. this displeases me. it was not always the case, though. the main culprit is my facebook badge, which i removed this afternoon along with a mention of my full name in an october 2005 post.

here's the email i sent a few weeks ago to a facebook higher-up, regarding badges, upon receiving a dissatisfactory response on the same topic from a "customer service representative":

subject: because you seem like a smart guy and the responses i get from customer support often border on asinine

hi james,

forgive me for this random facebook message, but for the past few months, every time i shoot a question or suggestion to customer support, the responses i get totally miss the point.

here's my question, if you have time to answer it, or if you could direct me to someone who could give me a good response:

i like the fact that i can put my facebook badge on my blog. however, i also like my blog to be a little bit under the google radar. i noticed that i got a blog hit from someone googling my first and last name, and when i did a google search on myself i realized that it was picking up my name from the facebook badge.

so i took my name off the badge and figured that would keep google from finding me.

however, the badge image is entitled "ann g____'s facebook profile" - at least this is what pops up when you mouse over it. and that's what google is reading. now when you google my name, my blog is the first thing that pops up, with "ann g___'s facebook profile" (the badge image title) being the key words found in the search.

is there any way to get around this so that i can keep my badge on the blog without it making me so easy to find to google? it seems like the point of making your name a removable item on your facebook badge is so that you can modify the amount of personal information being posted in the badge. the fact that the badge title is automatically generated with your first and last name undermines this privacy setting.

here's what the customer support person said:

"Your name will only be picked up if you post your badge in a public place. If you do not want your name to come up in a google search, please resist from placing your badge in a
public site.  Your name will not be found on searches if you remain within facebook."

-- your name only comes up if you post your badge in a public place? well, isn't the badge meant to be posted in a public place? why give us the option of removing our name from the badge if it's going to be on there no matter what we do? is there any way facebook could change the way the badge titles are generated so they're not so explicit?

thanks,
ann

i never got a response back, which is not surprising. but i am pretty bummed about taking down my profile badge. it makes me uncomfortable that my blog is the first thing that comes up about me, though. i suppose of all the things that come up about me on google, this site is the most accurate representation, but still. it doesn't bug me that my current employers or coworkers can find it; they know i have it and that i've written silly things about them but i don't think they would be disturbed or shocked by any of the site content. and it doesn't bother me (too much) that my family can find it - even though i have written some sad or angry things about them - because i have written honestly about what i've thought or felt, and i always try to be fair in portraying them. basically it's nothing i wouldn't say to their faces if we were the sort of people that said things to each other's faces. but we're not. and a lot of what i write is because these conversations will never happen. even though i've tried. and it helps to put it down. so.

i guess what bothers me about this blog featuring so prominently in my google results is that it's personal. i don't totally spill my guts on here. there are some things i won't write about, and that's what my other journal is for. but honestly the other journal doesn't get much use unless i'm traveling. this site is the primary record of what goes on. and i suppose it doesn't bother me much if you google me and dig for a while and you find this website as hit #43. if you're so interested in me that you looked through four pages of mostly irrelevant google hits, then i don't really have a problem with you reading my blog. in fact i think you probably deserve to. i just don't think it should be so number-one-google-hit easy.

.

since monday i have felt tired and intensely antisocial. 'intensely' might me make sound more pathological than i actually feel. but relative to how i normally feel, at any rate, it's a strong inclination. i skipped ballet tuesday and blamed the weather. i don't remember what i did instead. oh, i wrote a 34k email to breton and then i sat on the sofa and stared at the walls for a while. then mom came home and i had an unsettling conversation with her about relationships (e.g., "well, i don't know, fran and i are just so accommodating of each other..."). marcia pointed out two weeks ago that maybe my mother is not the best barometer for me in terms of relationships. i hate the thought of not talking to her about how it's going and the challenge del dia - but the last few times i talked to her, i had this terrible sinking backsliding sensation, like maybe i am actually crazy and she's right. marcia said i would be better off talking to my girlfriends, and i told becca and (i think) breton that, because i knew they would love it, and they did. i guess i'll eventually figure out how to share this sort of stuff with my mom again.

post-mom talk, i worked on the graph for brett's scarf, which i somehow have not yet mustered up the patience/energy to finish. it's partly because i always lose momentum for the detail work - and i hate hand-stitching - and partly because i really don't know how i'm going to make it look good and i'll probably have to rip it a million times and that is so frustrating. but it's cold right now and i want him to wear it. it's a beautiful scarf. i'm really pleased with how it came out.

wednesday i sat on the sofa after work and watched two hours of top chef, then drove to baton rouge and the spanish moon for the f.weav/trrr acoustic show. mostly i wanted to stand by the wall and not talk to anyone. it was okay. i was really tired.

today i worked and slept a lot and missed ballet again. i blamed the weather and the tired. i've been good lately about going and it makes me so cranky when i'm out of class. next week will be better. if a miracle occurs i might take class saturday morning. but those classes are sort of hit-or-miss.

so i woke up from my two-and-a-half-hour nap and thought about the people i haven't talked to in too long. all i want to do is not talk to anyone. i brought my book to casa maria and read, then went to barnes and noble to look up spain stuff.

i suspect that my fatigue and disinterest in socializing is a direct result of or reaction against this weekend's burst of activity. i auditioned for a show at the little theatre. i didn't make it. here's what i wrote to breton about it:

i auditioned for a play in baton rouge.
'the pajama game' at the little theatre. it was choreographed by bob fosse, there's a really famous dance number in it, and the two female leads are altos.
i auditioned because it's time for me to start doing the things i like to do again. and it also means i would have to get a job in baton rouge for the semester...
so the audition was this past weekend and i had decided to do it because it would basically force me to look for jobs in baton rouge.
but i also knew that for the first few weeks of rehearsal i'd still be working half the week in new orleans and i'd have to drive in every night.
on audition forms for musicals, they ask you if you're willing to play any role, including chorus, or if you will only play certain parts.
i think it's poor form to say you'll only play a certain part, because it looks like you don't have team spirit and that you don't love theatre for the sake of theatre.
however, given my schedule, it wasn't worth it to me to drive in to baton rouge every night for a chorus role.
so i put (for the first time ever) that i'd only take the two female leads.

for the first time since my first musical audition in 8th grade, i didn't make the show.

i was sad for a day even though i decided beforehand that it would be good either way.

and it was, because i'd done all this work to find jobs in baton rouge and it was clear to me that making the move back was what i wanted to do.

so i wrote four cover letters (three to the LSU library and one cold call to LSU press) and sent them off with my resumes yesterday.
i told brett in the car yesterday morning, on the drive back to BR, that for a while i've been worried, or wondering, about how i think i'm an ambitious or driven person but i'm also scared a lot, and how much is that going to hold me back. and now i know that the ambitious part is ultimately more powerful than the scared. because i'm ready for a change.
i always said i wasn't ready yet but i would be eventually. but i didn't know if i really believed it.
today i told lynne i was looking for work in baton rouge and tomorrow we're going to figure out how to transition me out of this job.

so now that i feel settled in my desire and decision to move to baton rouge, the other pieces are falling into place. i have a timeframe, short-term goals, long-term goals, and a plan of action. i start to think too hard into the details of things (what if i hate spain; how will i ever leave the people here that i love; will my parents buy my car to give to michael when he starts college and i need to get that passenger-side dent repaired; grad school, holy christ, how will i ever scrounge up a decent enough portfolio to send to a grad school) and my chest seizes up but then i back off it. if i keep looking at the big picture, which is broad and blurry but there, i feel better.

at the same time this was such a huge step to take - professionally it's kind of a risk, if i can't find a not-shitty job, and also pretty much any job i'll find will involve an annual paycut of 2 or 3K - but mostly it's a big step forward for my head. i think it wore me out a little. and i'm also anxious about the letters i sent out and whether or not i'll hear back from anyone. but that's okay. i have confidence that i'm doing the right thing and moving in a good direction. forward is good.

breton wrote back:

...i sat down to my WORKING computer and there was a 34 k email from
you.

life is very good, in other words.
and i am so fucking proud of you, Ann!
i was starting to get worried... like really worried.
but there you are again.
i see you!
to hear about everything that you have done in the last week was good for my
soul.

i was concerned about sending you that link [about spain] because i didn't want you to
feel like i was pushing you. cause i feel like maybe everyone is pushing you
around... i don't know.
it's hard being the best friend when you feel like your best friend is lost.
and when being there physically is impossible because there is an ocean
between you.
and being there in support is impossible because of a 7 hour time distance,
a broken computer and a crazy work schedule.

but all of a sudden!
you're motivated and driven and ANN again!!!!!!
you're found!
i am so proud of you for auditioning for that piece and not taking a chorus
position that would stress you out.
i am so proud of you for realizing that driving to new orleans is making you
crazy and unproductive and stressed out and so now you are applying for real
jobs and you are getting everything together so that you can move on.
and this is what i was worried about the whole time.
i think that you are the most talented, incredible person that i know.
and i think that you are the biggest most beautiful goldfish in the dankest
most boring swamp.
and that you could swim better almost anywhere.
but i was worried that maybe you needed to be in the swamp always.
after all, the catfish and the alligators would never have the opportunity
to meet a fish like you other wise.

but i am so glad that you are motivated again.
about something.
about grad school.
about dance.
about spain.

and chris is back with the pastries so i have to go.

lovelovelove.

b

p.s. sorry about the fish analogy. got carried away. too many children's
books lately.

the spain thing is funny. funny is about the least accurate word i can think of to describe how i feel about it, but i don't feel like trying to find a better one. i want to live abroad for a while because i know it would be amazing and also the hardest thing i will ever have done in my entire life. i think doing hard things is good for me. i didn't apply to grad school straight out of undergrad because i was scared of not being in school and i didn't have any confidence in my ability to get a job of any sort, much less a real grown-up job in my field. i thought it was important to confront these things rather than hide away in academia. i miss school so much but i've always known i would go back and now i also know that i can be a real person with a real job. the spain thing is similar. it has a lot to do with fear and the difficulty i have imagining myself achieving any sort of major goal - it seems impossible. i have very little confidence in myself. it's weird - i have confidence that i can survive in spain but not that i can do the things i have to do to get there. it's the same with grad school. i know i will love grad school but i literally can't imagine picking one and having a good portfolio and getting in.

anyway, i think spain will give me a lot of confidence. and i know i'm a smart girl. and i don't think breton is kidding or being insincerely flattering when she says she thinks i'm talented and amazing. i think i'm pretty talented and amazing too. i just...i don't know, i guess i half-think it and half-doubt my every ability. i believe that if i had any sort of confidence i'd be unstoppable. (if.)

so i've been talking about moving to spain for two and a half years now, and though i have tried to explain it to them, few of my friends or family members understand why i want to go and/or why i haven't gone yet. breton is the only one, i think, who has any faith in my going, and even that seemed to have faded by the time she came back for christmas. it bothers the shit out of me that no one believes i'm going. it pisses me off in that stomachache way but it only makes me more stubborn, i suppose. not that i have to prove anything to them. but i sort of do. last night at the moon, i was talking to josh and ravi about applying for jobs in baton rouge and how it will free up time for me to take the GRE and work on grad school stuff. i deliberately didn't mention spain, but they both said, "so no spain then, huh" in this way that sounded like i was only confirming what they already thought, that i wasn't really ever going. and i told them that actually breton had sent me a link to the government grant program for teaching assistants in spain. the application for next year isn't up yet but i have a sense of the schedule and the requirements and it dovetails nicely with what i already had planned. so.

i went to barnes and noble to look up the regions for TA positions in the spain program. you get to pick your top three. i ended up buying a book (which i've already read parts of, in past research attempts) on living abroad in spain. i also browsed the (ever-addictive) writing reference section, which is next to all the journals, and there was a little black moleskin address book with the alphabet stamped into the cover, like this:

A B C D E F G
H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T
U V W X Y Z

except it's formatted so it's a nice square. i liked the look of it, and i was thinking about breton's old ridiculous leopard-print address book and how when you travel a lot and can't always have your cellphone or internet access, it's probably good to have an address book. and i'm a firm believer in backing up cellphonebooks anyway. i hate the way i rely on the phonebook instead of memorizing important phone numbers. i don't think it's safe. blah blah blah, basically i'm justifying an impulse buy, but the impulse was related to wanting to travel and imagining myself leaving, so i think it's a good thing.

so i picked up the little notebook and was rubbing dust off the cover and i could feel that the price sticker on the back was rolling up at the corners. i flipped the notebook over and the sticker said ADD BK SOFT COVER BL $5.95 and it also said 07655227999 and it also said Made in Spain.

19. you sneeze in books 24. whiskey sipper

1. i spent the weekend at robbie and brian's house in lafayette, again. last weekend it was me, shannon, julee, marty, jason, brett, josh, lee, leigh, jonny, christiaan, ethan, betsy. this weekend it was me, shannon, julee, marty, jason, brett, josh, lee, leigh, jonny.

we ate at pete's and played guitar and piano and jump-rope and frisbee and catch in the park and watched a lot of TV and drank a lot of whiskey. we went to be with robbie and brian but also we were glad to be together, it is obvious how much we all like each other, and i was relieved to be spending my weekend in a house full of people i like. it felt like renewal the way going home used to feel but doesn't anymore.

2. i bought tickets to see billy joel on tuesday with my dad. i still haven't seen my dad since the christmas fiasco and we only started talking again about two weeks ago. there's a lot more to this story but i'll leave it for now. what i wanted to say was that i called to invite him to the concert a few days ago, and he said yes and sounded really excited. i called him again today before i bought the tickets to make sure he was coming. he said yeah, i told you already that i wanted to go. and i said, "well, i wanted to make sure" (mostly because i didn't want to spend fifty bucks on a ticket he wouldn't use - i'd be hard-pressed to find someone else to go with me who wouldn't make me feel stupid for singing along to every song)

so i told him, "i wasn't sure if you knew what day it was, and maybe if you didn't mark it in your calendar, you know, maybe something super-important has come up since then"

and he said, "oh, i didn't know what day it was so i just blocked out all of march"

and i laughed really hard
he's sort of joking but he's sort of not joking,
which is sweet.

3. i made a giant list of all the things i need to do so that i won't be stressed and cranky. i put nice things for myself on the list too, like buy the ballet clothes i was supposed to spend my christmas money on. 

general:
RENT
BILLS
MOVIES TO BLOCKBUSTER
yoga
bathing suit
ballet clothes
get some cute shoes
earrings
work on spain stuff
becca knitting
see about blue cross claim
see about that video money

things to buy:
new sheets
baking soda
lightbulbs
stuff to hang? check toolbox
something nice for the patio

things to get fixed:
stovetop
lightbulb above fridge
call cox
lamp
keyboard

CLEANING BY AREA:

bathroom:
clean out bathroom
clean bathroom

bed:
wash comforter
wash rugs

bedroom closet:
go through clothes in closet
go through clothes in dresser
put away clothes
take clothes to goodwill or something

desk:
clean off desk
clean out drawers

sweeping:
sweep upstairs
sweep stairs
sweep downstairs

other:
hang pictures
change lightbulbs - lamp, kitchen, above stairs
put covers on lightbulbs

living room:
throw out magazines

kitchen:
mop kitchen
wipe down counters
wipe down stovetop
wipe down oven
clean out trashcan
baking soda for fridge

fred:
organize fred area

patio:
throw out everything on the patio

4. my blog got a hit today for search: "what usually happens to people charged for having an open alcohol container in public"

a horse of a different color

blog hits from google searches within the past twenty-four hours

6:15pm
how much sohuld i sell vhs tapes at my yard sale?

7:38pm
how to fold a finger fortune toy

9:02pm
cigarette active OR ingredient "carpet smells" -dog

9:06pm
hot to think of conversation to talk about with ex boyfriends

9:14pm
dress up online games of paper dolls ballerinas/called sticker styles

9:55pm
new orleanians living in bath england

11:22pm
lyrics "wrote me in 1985"

3:20am
lyrics "pushing an elephant up a hill

3:56am
Shine On, Harvest Moon chords

6:02am
HOW TO MAKE YOUR EX MISERABLE

6:24am
brown cow chocolate

10:05am
clothes by fauk

you will never fail at love.

i think i might submit a piece to nola art/lit magazine constance. it's edited by two guys i know through becca, one of whom she dated and one of whom i went on dates with. this is either a pro or a con, or neither.

becca had mentioned the other day that erik (her ex) had invited her to submit work for the second issue, which we agreed was very sweet/professional of him. (it was a semi-dramatic break-up.) i was googling around at work today and came across the website, which says the submit deadline is september fifteenth. i hadn't even considered submitting anything until i saw the deadline. in fact i've never considered submitting anything anywhere. the theme is "delicate burdens" (translated as "what everyday life is like in new orleans"). delicate burdens is maybe not the way i would put it, but i think it's a good idea as far as themes go. or maybe just inevitable.

so i thought i could submit something from my journal, which is, at times, a fair chronicle of what everyday life is like in new orleans, right. i came here and looked at my categories and realized i didn't have anything called "new orleans," which i guess i could have used to label katrina-related posts. then i considered that it's kind of stupid for someone from new orleans living in new orleans to have a category called "new orleans." that's like having a category called "my day," or something.

anyway. the post i think would be most relevant for submission is "broken city," from 9/12/06. i think i would retitle it (probably "there's a you-shaped hole in my dancing heart," which is actually the name of a post from a few days later). i made up a draft with proper caps and cut out a couple of lines to make it easier to read. the thing is, i like this post and i also think it's not particularly good writing. i find it (have always found it) a little bit repetitive and tedious. not the content, necessarily, but the diction. so i sent it out to a few good readers and have already gotten feedback or promises from: ben, becca, barrett.

anyone reading this, feel free to check out the old (unedited) post and let me know what you think. becca has suggested some alternate posts as well. (for the record, i feel funny/uneasy about trying to write something fresh about life in new orleans. not only have i not lived there since march, but i also feel like no one in new orleans actually spends time contemplating the state of affairs unless they absolutely have to. mostly we're pretending [in order] to get by. to sit down and 'write about' new orleans, like on purpose, in a reflective summative way, feels totally unnatural to me, considering the whole city necessarily operates in a state of bizarre denial. the journal/snapshot format feels more authentic.)

anyway. barrett said, via email:

i like it (probably b/c of the name drops).  just put it into context that it was a journal entry w/ a short preface.  in (slight) contextualizing you might also have to do something about the namedrops too.

how many words is it now?  if you have space i'd update & mention that you're now going to spain for a year & mention how you feel about it - writing should be concise & natural.  There might not be room for that, & as it stands i think you could get the piece in w/ very little editing.  but, if there's a theme at all - in cnxn w/ the theme of the issue, it feels like things are still up in the air as it's just a snap shot.  I like that.

that being said, adding an update could be more "honest" (for constance) & hits closer to relevance for the current state of affairs for the city.  you are one of nola's artists & you're on your way out for some reason. maybe watching to see what happens in the future - things were up in the air a yr ago & they are still there now 4 u at least.  i think you can update it w/o putting too much forced closure on the issue & not losing the things that i like about it.  but can you do it w/in 1500 words?

anyway, good piece

i saw him on gchat later:

ann: you really don't think it's boring?
or stupid?
barrett: none of those things came to mind while reading. then i tried to imagine myself reading the constance magazine
ann: and it became stupid and boring?
barrett: no
& i imagined i would read something like that about as often as i read a harpers
ann: which is never?
i like harper's, actually
i would subscribe to it if i actually paid for things like that
barrett: almost never. i know you do. so i decided i would enjoy reading your article
ann: mostly i'm interested in submitting because i think there's a fair chance i could get in
and i'm also interested in submitting because i actually felt like i could submit something, and that never happens
barrett: & that i would probably be reading the magazine in the bathroom, & i would stay to finish your article even if it took an extra minute or 2
ann: hahahahaha
that's so sweet of you
seriously
the dog behind my house howls with the trains
even before the train comes he starts howling really weird
because he's making train noise
barrett: he has a friend
or she
ann: yeah
the first time i heard it i was like what the fuck is wrong with that dog
and brett was like, i think he's....making the same noise as the train?
and i was like, haha yeah maybe
but then he did it again a few nights later and it was before i even heard the train
he is definitely saying what's up to his train friend
barrett: i tried to howl to a coyote the other night
ann: fuck you
are you kidding
were you drunk?
barrett: no - it was silly. i was on my bike on the way home & he was crossing the path <50 ft in front of me & started to move away so i made one of the most pathetic attempts to make a dog noise
he slowed a little
ann: hahahaha
barrett: so you are going to submit that thing eventually right?
ann: yeah
barrett: good
ann: i'll be proud
barrett: me too

upon attending my first LSU football game

-- for one thing, i've started a photo blog so that i can show you things in spain. in the meantime, i've put up some last-time-before-i-go stuff, including pictures and text about the game.

-- it's taken me almost twenty-four years to gain enough life perspective to realize that football really does matter.

-- the SEC makes me proud to be from the south.

-- speaking of that, do you think maybe southerners are so into football because it's kind of like reliving the civil war? except then we beat everyone's ass?

-- the band played "smells like teen spirit" towards the end of the fourth quarter. brett said they played it last game as well; he and his friends noted that kurt cobain would probably have killed himself sooner if he had known it would come to this.

but you know what, the kids in tiger band are my age, our age, having grown up knowing nirvana. the drummers were beating the shit out of their drums and headbanging. it's just kids who love nirvana playing nirvana's top hit to a bunch of other kids who love nirvana. i think it's kind of cool.

also, to put this on the official record, lest i forget:

i heard "smells like teen spirit" when i was eight years old at sleepaway summer camp in winchester, tennessee.  my Close Up cabinmate (and fellow seagull) jenny f______ had an older sister, so she listened to older music than the rest of us peanuts. none of us brought any music to camp, except jenny, who had not one but two copies of "smells like teen spirit" on cassette. the single, mind you. so for three weeks, the only music we had in our cabin was the song "smells like teen spirit." and we listened to it the whole time. at the end of camp, we ceremoniously destroyed one of the cassette tapes, i think by throwing it in the lake. (we didn't destroy the other cassette because jenny was afraid her sister would get mad.)

i told brett i didn't mind the tiger band playing "smells like teen spirit" because it represents a formative experience in my musical development. but really it was less a formative experience than a stirring of something that was already in my soul. those first chords still make my heart flutter. nirvana tapped that weird longing for noise and chaos that had been inside us all along, even eight years old, at an all girls' camp in nowhere tennessee.

ATL

this concludes the baton rouge portion of our program.
stay tuned.

bad internet karma: right back at ya

hey. family member or family acquaintance, who thought it was a good idea to send my mom one of my blog posts.

good move.

do you remember being in, say, fifth grade? do you remember when the pettiest gossiper in the whole grade would come up to you, and tell you in their pettiest mock-grave voice, "so-and-so said this about you."

was this gossiping person serving any useful purpose? or was this person just a petty shitstarter?

i knew people like this in fifth grade. sadly, i still know people like this, and i think they're petty shitstarters. i think they don't have anyone's best interest at heart.

and i think what you did was wrong.

do you have a family? is your family perfect? do you have kids? do you know what your kids say about you behind your back? do you want to know? think about that - do you want to know?

what do you think of your parents? were they perfect? did they do some fucked-up stuff that you dealt with because they're your parents and you had to, and also because you love them?

do you do fucked-up stuff to your kids?

i promise you do.

you would be lucky if you had a kid who worked as hard at having a relationship with her parents as i do. you can ask anyone who knows me, or you can read the rest of my fucking journal. my relationships with my parents are inordinately important to me. it is a huge priority. it is more of a priority for me than a lot of my friends. it is also, for a lot of reasons and especially lately, a lot of work sometimes. and in fact my friends and even my therapist have recommended that it might be better for my mental health to care less about my relationships with my parents. but i can't help it. my family is important to me.

my mom has known about my journal for as long as i've had it. she is supportive of me in the best possible ways, and while it of course makes her uneasy that i say anything at all about her on my blog, she says things like "you have to write based on your own experiences" and pretends like it doesn't bother her.

once she found my blog and read a post about my relationship with food and body image issues, which also talked about her relationship with food and body image issues (as well as my best girl friends and an anorexic girl in my ballet class). of course what she took from this was: "you said i had a big ass." i almost started crying when she said that. she had missed the whole point. except she hadn't - i think she was just stuck on the idea that she had a big ass. which is, i guess, understandable.

my point is, my mom knows i have this blog. she has read it. and if she wanted to continue reading it, she would.

so now you've sent her this unflattering post. what was your point? did you think my mom needed to know what i was saying about her online? do you think i'm not entitled to say what i think? do you think i am a selfish, ungrateful kid?

what about: i am entitled to vent my frustration that on the day i was leaving home, my mom was being obnoxious. and i am entitled to discuss some uncomfortable feelings about my home - which, if you know anything about me, and i will assume you do since you read my journal - my home has been an uncomfortable place for over two years now, and i don't mean physically or aesthetically. i've talked about that here, at length, and i've talked about it to my mom, directly. in the post you sent to my mom, i wanted to talk about something i'd never talked about before - something embarrassing and totally out of my control, and honestly, something i try not to notice. but given my family circumstances it has become more conspicuous. and when michael said what he said, i laughed because it caught me offguard to have the thing i tried to ignore be acknowledged.

you know, apparently it's not unusual in the middle of a nasty divorce - and my parents' divorce has, ten years late, become a nasty one - for a house to fall into disrepair while each side is fighting for it. apparently neither side wants to, or can afford to, deal with maintenance on a house that might not even be theirs.

unfortunately this is a house my mom still lives in - my brother still halfway lives in - i visit with friends. have you ever been in this situation? no, probably not. do you know what it's like? no, probably not. do you get to judge me? no, you don't.

also, my family has always been kind of weird. i get to say that, too. and it's not news to my mom or my brother. tell them and they will not blink: ann thinks that she grew up in a strange household. yeah, that's why every member of my family is glad that my parents got a divorce.

this is a hazard of writing in a public space. it's open for anyone to read. i am always aware of this. i know that members of my family have read this blog. i do my best to protect people's privacy (e.g., i don't put people's last names on here), and i spend a lot of time weighing the balance of my thoughts versus other people's feelings. when i am angry with someone, i write about it, but try to keep it as fair as possible. i try to consider the other person's point of view. for example, the post in question: not only did i talk about some frustrating stuff with my mom, but i also wrote some possible explanations for my mom's actions.

i told my mom (among other things): it is a difficult fact that my feelings about growing up a certain way are equally as valid as your discomfort that i talk about those feelings.

what's actually difficult is not that i talk about the feelings, i guess, but that i write about them. maybe you think that everyone who has access to my blog (i.e., the entire world?) reads it. in fact there are not many people who read my blog, because it is just me talking about my stuff, and that is pretty much only of interest to...me. and the few people who know me. and you, apparently, with questionable motives.

did you know that you can't get to my blog by googling my mom's name? not my dad's name either. in fact you can only sometimes find my blog by googling my name. so no one looking up my mom online would stumble across her daughter's journal. and it's that way on purpose.

so. if you're interested in picking a fight, why don't you do it in the comments, like a respectable internet user, instead of essentially snooping around and spreading gossip?

i stand by everything i wrote, because it is still true now, as it was when i wrote it. and i have apologized to my mother for hurting her feelings.

thanks for directly taking an action to hurt my mom's feelings. thanks for stirring up shit you know nothing about. thanks for making problems in a relationship that i have literally fought to maintain. go stick your nose in a more appropriate place, because i don't want it here anymore.

tcb

briefly, because i'm tired and need to go to bed.

the downside of traveling on my weekends is that i'm used to feeling like i have an eternity between work and work. i can't believe it's sunday and i have to go to bed by 1am so i can start my week. the week is purgatory or penance for the weekends.

the upside - and maybe this is even due to the fact that my weekend was two days shorter from traveling - is that i got a lot of stuff done today.

here is my proud list:

-- woke up at 10:30am.
-- cooked breakfast/lunch (first toast with butter and jelly, and then poached eggs over spinach and rice)
-- started filing my taxes online
-- booked a flight to barcelona
-- booked a hostel in barcelona
-- balanced my checkbooks (checking and saving)
-- calculated how much i spent on the cádiz trip and decided not to worry about spending money on traveling, since that is one of the reasons i'm here
-- went to ábaco
--  finished the dybek book
-- started working in my spanish workbook
-- cooked dinner (chicken over pasta with spinach, tomatoes, butter, parmesan)
-- rewatched grosse pointe blank (rented from itunes)
-- started the decreases on my beret
-- reorganized and pruned my blogrolls and reordered my sidebar content
-- ate a bunch of "the simpsons minis" galletas sabor chocolate

down for the count. buenas noches.